New Zealand Nannies International

New Facebook Fan Page

2010-08-19T19:45:00.002+12:00

We have a new Facebook Fan Page where we will be having competitions, giveaways, and all sorts of helpful stuff for nannies and parents. Go to our link to click "like" to keep up-to-date:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=14928&id=130756640300503&saved#!/pages/Auckland/NZ-Nannies-International/130756640300503

What do experts say about Nanny vs. Daycare?

2010-04-27T15:04:00.002+12:00

Question of the Month: What do experts say about Nannies vs. Daycare?

You may have heard of the Brainwave Trust. They are currently speaking around communities free of charge and make information available on their website.
I found it interesting reading this article in Grapevines Magazine about how vital Brain development relies on certain child care and that a nanny is by far in preference to daycare. The good news is that with NZ Nannies, it’s now affordable to get a nanny.

A Conversation with Simon Rowley
It’s widely known these days that the first two or three years of a baby’s life are critically important. These are the years, ideally, when babies get the chance to learn about life and love and faith and trust. (Of course, in the real world, sadly, they’re often denied that chance, and instead begin their career as a crime statistic or a social-work ‘case’.)
But what’s actually happening inside a growing baby’s head – year one, year two, year three, and beyond? And how can we mums and dads (and uncles, aunties and grandparents) help ensure that those happenings are the best they possibly can be for our little guys and girls?
To get some answers we talked with noted brain development expert and Kiwi paediatrician, Dr Simon Rowley. In fact, we talked to him twice! Our first interview was cut short because he had to dash off to attend a crisis and deliver a baby by caesarean!

GRAPEVINE: One of your favourite sayings is, “The first three years last forever!”
SIMON ROWLEY: That’s right. I’m a member of the Brainwave Trust, an organisation you can read about online. We’re trying to make sure that people have access to information about how babies’ brains are wired – how things they experience affect the way their brains develop, particularly during the first three years. We’re also making research available to those who work with children – such as doctors, pre-school teachers, care-givers, lawyers. In the last few years particularly there’s been an explosion in the amount of knowledge we have about early childhood, and people are realising how important those years are for brain development.

GRAPEVINE: Can we go back to square one: a newborn child? What’s actually going on inside that child’s brain?
SIMON ROWLEY: Well, when you’re born, you’re only about 15% ‘wired up’. Your grey matter is all there (your brain cells or neurones), and it’s all ready to go – but only 15% of it is connected. That 15% is the stuff you need just to keep the organism going: heart-rate, blood pressure, and breathing – the bits that control your basic functions.

GRAPEVINE: Sort of, the ‘auto-pilot’ stuff?
SIMON ROWLEY: That’s right. But, from the moment of birth, the sensory experiences you start having cause the other 85% of wiring to happen. And most of it happens in those first three years.
Every time you touch a baby, cuddle a baby, tickle a baby, laugh with them, talk to them – all those things that happen through the senses – you’re helping the baby experience and sort out the world.
The first sense to develop is touch – the ‘mother of all senses’. Balance is the next. Smell and taste come after that. Then hearing. And seeing is the last one.
Touch is actually the most basic of our senses. Mothers reach out and touch their baby instinctively right after they’re born. But the other senses are also primed and ready to go, even before birth. And these are the senses by which babies experience the world.
Those experiences cause baby’s neurones to start looking out and reaching out...wiring themselves up...creating pathways and connections to other neurones. By the time you’re three, all of those things should’ve happened. Then, from three years on, for the rest of your childhood, you’re busy pruning those connections – and you only hang on to the ones you’re using continually.
But here’s what’s really vital (and there’s good research to support this): the experiences you get need to be the right ones. If you don’t get good, positive, warm, nurturing experiences, you’re in trouble.

GRAPEVINE: These experiences the baby needs are gained primarily from its mother – right?
SIMON ROWLEY: Yes – from its primary care-giver, who’s usually the mother. But sometimes it’s the father. Fathers are very important in baby’s development, too.

GRAPEVINE: And you’re talking about stimulating the baby – talking, reading, going for walks, singing, cuddling?
SIMON ROWLEY: All of those. And they’re all so important. But you can overdo it. There’s obviously a healthy amount of stimulation for the brain – too much can flood it and cause it to switch off the way babies do when they’re tired. However, most parents, fortunately, get it about right.
We’re talking about ‘good-enough parenting’ here – not ‘super parenting’. There’s growing evidence that playing ‘brainy-baby’ videos and all this ‘Baby Einstein’ stuff isn’t such a good idea... probably more detrimental than helpful.

GRAPEVINE: You describe the baby’s brain as being ‘wired up’. Which all sounds very electronic – like a computer being fitted to operate a printer or something. But what about the human dimension? Take smiling, for example: what makes a newborn baby smile? How do they figure out what smiling means? Is that part of the ‘wiring up’ process?
SIMON ROWLEY: Yes, definitely. And what we sometimes overlook is that babies are ‘programmed’ as individuals to hit developmental targets at certain times. So at around four to six weeks you’re programmed to be able to smile.

GRAPEVINE: You mean the baby has a sort of pre-formed picture in its head: “This is a smile, this will make me feel good...?”
SIMON ROWLEY: No. The programming just provides that at this point your brain is ready to receive the information that’s necessary to stimulate a reaction. But you’ve got to have, environmentally, the warmth and social interaction that’ll trigger it.

GRAPEVINE: So a baby from a home where there’s little stimulation, not much caring or cooing – if it happens to catch a smile from a passer-by, it won’t necessarily know that this is a good, important signal?
SIMON ROWLEY: That’s right. And that’s an important developmental principal – repetition is essential.
In order to hard-wire pathways in the brain, the baby has to be exposed to things – even as simple as a smile – over and over again. That repetition then triggers what the baby’s been programmed to receive and act on.
So it’s got to happen frequently and consistently before it becomes ingrained. But when it does become ingrained, that’s really what makes us who we are.

GRAPEVINE: I often chuckle at a video we’ve got of our youngest grandson who, when he was too little to stand up by himself, was hanging in one of those stretchy sling things – and he started bouncing up and down in exact rhythm with the music his mum was playing in the background. It wasn’t a co-incidence, because several times he went off the beat. He’d stop, and listen, and then start bouncing again exactly on the beat.
Now – how does a baby know what dancing’s all about? “This is music!””This is rhythm!” Where do concepts like that come from?
SIMON ROWLEY: Fascinating, isn’t it? Music’s one of those things (as parents discover) that come in a window of learning opportunity. If adults try and learn a musical instrument they’ll find it much harder than young children who’ve been brought up in a musical environment. It’s like learning a language. Learning these musical ideas is the same as learning to talk.
This isn’t just a ‘gene’ thing – it’s also nurture. It’s very much influenced by baby being exposed to music from Day Zero – from ‘Day Minus’ actually, because a child is in the womb can clearly hear music, and picks up on things like beat.
So, if you come from a family where there’s lots of music, and everyone’s listening to it, playing it and dancing to it, then from the moment of birth you’re already being programmed to respond.
If you look at the brain-scans of professional musicians, you find that they have areas of their brain that are much heavily developed than the same area in somebody who’s not a musician. In particular, the cerebellum and other parts of the brain involved in co-ordination – in this case co-ordination of movement for, say, a violinist, who must get the fingers on the fret in just the right place. But the same parts of the brain also control the co-ordination of thought! And studies have been done on this...
If a child learns a musical instrument for a year, not only do her musical skills improve (both her listening skills and her playing of the thing) – but so, too, do her maths skills and reading skills at the same time.

GRAPEVINE: So these things are all inter-related?
SIMON ROWLEY: Right. Learning a musical instrument is very good for brain development, and I’d recommend that every child should be given that chance.

GRAPEVINE: How early should they start?
SIMON ROWLEY: Oh, I’d say from Day Zero really. As soon as they show interest.

GRAPEVINE: Are we still talking ‘good-enough parenting’? We’re not trying to turn our child into ‘Baby Einstein’ or ‘Baby Mozart’ are we?
SIMON ROWLEY: No. We’re talking about listening skills to start with. So you give the baby periods of listening to music – and he might bounce and jump around. Babies love dancing and rocking and all sorts of rhythmic things. Then, at some point in the early years, you might offer the child the chance to pick up and play with a musical instrument... the chance to enjoy and copy the parent. That’ll grow out of what they’re hearing.
But the ability – the ‘musical ear’, if you like – probably gets programmed in those early months. So music is a really important way of developing the brain.
I think sport is important too. It also combines dance, music, rhythm... those aerodynamic things where you’re developing the part of the brain that involves co-ordination and movement ...and therefore thought as well.

GRAPEVINE: Isn’t there a tension, though, between sport as a competitive activity and sport as a way of teaching kids co-operation?
SIMON ROWLEY: True. Some children seem really driven to succeed in competitive things, and others don’t. It can be hard to work out what programmes might best suit your own child – but a certain amount of its environmentally determined. If you’re competitive parents, it’s likely your children will pick up on that.

GRAPEVINE: So what’s your advice to parents? How can they ensure that their babies get the right kind of stimulation in the right amounts at the right times?
SIMON ROWLEY: Well, most important is to have a warm, nurturing, loving relationship with your child. That attachment to the primary care-giver (or care-givers) is a vital developmental milestone for a baby. And it’s usually made with just two or three people (at the most) – typically the mother and the father, but it could be a grandparent or an auntie or an uncle, or somebody else, perhaps a nanny.
That relationship’s a mutual one, derived from the care-giving things that the adult does – like feeding, changing nappies, talking, singing, cuddling – and getting responses in return. And, as that relationship builds, it forms a bond that’s the basis for all subsequent relationships the child will have in later life. It’s vital, therefore, that you develop a secure attachment relationship... and that tends to start by about the age of six months. By eighteen months or so you may have moved past the ideal time, and it becomes much harder.

GRAPEVINE: How do you feel about the tendency these days for busy, working parents to drop their young children off to day-care?
SIMON ROWLEY: Well, frankly, if you’re not being cared for by somebody who’s got emotional investment in you, then the risk is you’re going to struggle in this area.
If, for the main part of the waking day, a young child is with a lot of different care-givers (as happens in many day-care centres and crèches), then that child never really gets a chance to establish a firm attachment relationship with his parents.
He gets cared for by people who have no emotional investment in him – which means he grows up (for the major part of each day, if his parents are away working) with someone who’s just doing a job, keeping an eye on him, but not really caring for him in a one-on-one way.

GRAPEVINE: You’re talking about those very early years – right?
SIMON ROWLEY: Of course. By the time he’s tow and three the child tends to be playing alongside other children – ‘parallel play’. Then, from three onwards, the child tends to play with other children – interacting and using his relationship skills and abilities. In these later preschool years he need the chance to go out and practice those skills on his peers and other people – rather than being stuck in front of TV with a GameBoy or a video, where he’s getting no feedback from a human face.
So when we say we’re not happy about children in day-care, we’re not saying that those latter years are a problem. We’re talking about the early ones. It doesn’t appear to be a good thing to have a three-month old baby in day-care.

GRAPEVINE: Some argue the problem is really to do with the quality of the care given. If the child goes to a really good day-care centre, then the parents have no cause to worry. But does ‘quality’ day-care make any difference?
SIMON ROWLEY: Well, yes and no. The problem with day-care is that most centres have a number of people on staff who are assigned certain tasks: somebody will do the nappy-changing, somebody else will do the feeding, another again will do the greeting at the beginning of the day, while still others are getting play materials ready, and so on. The child gets exposed to several different people in the course of the day – and the quality of that care varies according to the skills and experience of the individual people.
But the staff/child ratios are also important. If you’ve got a ratio of five children to one staff member, that’s not good enough. Even the recommended ratios are still a bit on the low side, in my opinion,
However, of course, there are some situations where day-care is preferable to home...

GRAPEVINE: Such as?
SIMON ROWLEY: Well, when the child’s in an abusive home situation – exposed, say, to family violence. That’s a really negative thing. It will affect the way the child’s brain gets wired up, and you don’t want that. So, to answer the question: a good day-care situation is obviously better than a bad home environment. But good and frequent interaction between parent and child in a good home environment is best of all.

GRAPEVINE: Does the length of time care-givers spend with a child affect the outcome?
SIMON ROWLEY: Yes, it does. And the same goes for the words a child hears. A child may develop poor self-esteem if he’s constantly being told bad things.
Several quite convincing studies have looked at the number of words that people in negative situations say to their child every day...compared to the words and vocab a child is exposed to in positive and reassuring households.

GRAPEVINE: “Good boy!” “Good girls!” “You did this really well!” – That sort of thing?
SIMON ROWLEY: Exactly. So we need to ensure we’re making it possible for parents (one or other of them) to be at home for their child. Although, regrettably, our modern lifestyle doesn’t help – it’s not the way things tend to work out.
Most parents feel they need two incomes...and nannies are expensive... so it becomes very hard to balance things. And when Governments come out with statements like, “We’re going to ensure that all mothers are working!” (Even in the first two years of their child’s life)...you have to wonder if this is good.

GRAPEVINE: How many children are we talking about? How many children today are not getting enough of the right kind of care?
SIMON ROWLEY: Well, it’s probably around 50%. And the worry is we’re seeing an increasing number. Some parents have children – and then basically just pass their care over to other people, at a very early age. Some children are in day-care from as young as three months or six weeks?
That seems to me like a really bad thing to do for a child whose brain-development you’re trying to optimise.

GRAPEVINE: It almost makes you wonder why some parents have children
SIMON ROWLEY: Well, I’ve been quoted as wondering that – but let’s not go there!

GRAPEVINE: What are the happiest outcomes you’ve seen in your career?
SIMON ROWLEY: One of the nice things about looking after pre-term babies is you take a baby who’s very vulnerable – and, quite often, a parent (or parents) who are very vulnerable too. In the time that the baby’s with us (usually three or four months, when they’re getting to the stage where they’re healthy and they can go home) ... you not only look after that child, but you also look after the family.
Most of that sort of work is done by the nursing and support staff. Every time the mother comes in, they put their arms around her and ask her, “How are you?” “Is everything going alright?” “Do you need any help?”
And, quite often, the mother, who hasn’t previously had that kind of supportive environment, will change. In those three or four months, she starts to grow into her role as a mother and really take that up. She might be a 16 year old who’s suffered abuse, but in this new role she finds she’s now supported and nurtured. And at the end of that time she goes out a completely different person.
Those are the happy stories...

GRAPEVINE: And the sad ones?
SIMON ROWLEY: Well, they usually feature people who are socially disadvantaged.
We get the baby through it ... and we support the mother through it ... but then they go home, back into that terrible situation, a situation that’s just not compatible with a good outcome. And sometimes those babies really suffer.
We know, from our work with pre-term babies, that the social environment the children go back into is the most important thing in determining how well they’ll do. It’s not whether they had a very different time with a bleed in the brain, or punctured lungs, or a whole lot of gut problems, or bowel perforations –although those all do happen. What really determines the final outcomes, is the socio-economic status of the parent (or parents) and the family environment.
If they go home to a good environment, then that’ll virtually overcome everything – all the merely physical problems. But if they go home to an abusive environment, the outcome’s often very sad.

GRAPEVINE: I suppose the good news is: you can turn things around?
SIMON ROWLEY: Yes. That’s when we feel we’ve made a difference. I mean, anyone can keep a baby alive. But what really counts is actually sending a baby home with optimism for the future ...and that optimism starts with the parents and then gets transferred to the child.
Whether the outcome is good or bad also depends to a great extent on society. And one of the ways we can interrupt that cycle of social deprivation is to teach kids how to be parents at an earlier stage. So the programmes where people go into schools and teach prospective parents what babies need and how to look after them – those give us most hope for the future.
Young people need to learn how to be nurturing and care-giving before they being child-rearing. And that applies particularly to boys in our society. Boys need to learn to be tender and loving; to have feelings; to be able to cry when they’re sad, and not to have to put up this tough, unfeeling mask on the outside.

GRAPEVINE: What’s your advice to, say, a young woman who’s suddenly found herself pregnant – assuming she’s from a less-than-happy background?
SIMON ROWLEY: The first choice is for her to celebrate the birth of her child – and to acknowledge that here’s a new individual that needs caring and loving and supporting. This new baby needs her more than anything else in the world. And being needed is quite an important thing for people from this kind of background. Often they’ve not regarded themselves as having much value or worth.
I’d say to her: Try as hard as you can to celebrate the birth and make it into a positive experience. She probably won’t find that easy, because they’ll be financial pressures against her.
We’ve got to help her view everything she does with that child in a positive light... instead of regarding the child as a nuisance or a disaster or a mistake. Then hopefully, eventually, she’ll get enormous rewards from mothering.
It’s all about celebrating parenthood. The most important thing you can do with your life (if you decide to become a parent) is to be a parent!
Of course, it’s also the hardest thing you’ll ever do. And we’re not very well trained for it!

GRAPEVINE: Is this the way ahead? Is this how we improve New Zealand’s child-abuse statistics?
SIMON ROWLEY: Yes, I think that’s the ultimate outcome. And we have an opportunity. If we can help families achieve ‘good-enough parenting’, raising children who are happy and safe and healthy and feel valued, we’ll end up with a society where most people are indeed loved and nurtured – and therefore less likely to be criminals and do awful things to each other and their children.
The way to bring down the high rate of child-abuse and neglect we see today parents being valued and supported. We’ve got to try and change the social setting and improve what’s taking place. There are obviously cultural groups and social-class groups who are the most vulnerable – and we’ve got to find a way to make them feel valued.
I think the way to change our society is to teach people how to nurture and love their children...

Self-Care for Parents

2009-10-05T14:09:00.000+13:00

Becoming a parent has been so stressful and drains all my time and energy - there never seems to be any time for me. Do you have any advice?

It’s a huge adjustment becoming a parent - our focus goes immediately to our children because their needs and dependence are completely reliant on our responses. This can be overwhelming and the changes that take place in terms of our time and energy are considerable. However, it is important to realise that in order to be a good parent to our children, it is vital that we take our own needs into account as well as our child’s. There is no such thing as perfect mothering - but in order to achieve good mothering, all the family’s needs - including your’s - need to be balanced, and your children will benefit from your own needs being met, in that they will have a happier, more fulfilled mother attending to them.

First, begin to identify your needs and address them. Your needs are physiological: good nutrition, exercise, adequate rest. Your needs are mental and psychosocial: pursuing interests, socializing, time alone/having a break. Your needs are spiritual: participation in a church community or in prayer/meditation, spending time in nature - whatever feeds your spirit. It is true that there are times where some of those needs are temporarily sacrificed, such as sleep when caring for a newborn baby - but even then there is a lot that we can do to care for our own needs during that time. For instance, negotiating help from other people to attend to our housework and meal preparation so that we can sleep while the baby sleeps or take some time out.

Here are some tips for taking care of yourself and achieving balance where all family’s needs can be met:

Don’t be a martyr - martyrs don‘t make good mothers. Remember that whatever is gained in giving in this way, is taken away with guilt
Write down 5 interests, pursuits or hobbies that are important to you to maintain after childbirth (if you are pregnant) or that used to be important to you that perhaps you’ve lost over the years or given up since you became a parent. Make these goals that you would like to somehow integrate with your parenting. Discuss with your partner how you might find ways to integrate them (in terms of childcare and time management)
Ask for and accept help from others
Pamper yourself: it doesn’t have to be expensive! Turn your bathroom into a ‘home spa’ with flowers, candles, essential oils, bath salts, relaxing music, and enjoy the relaxation of a sublime soak
Fit in even 15 minutes a day for your own time: journaling, meditating, reading a magazine with a cup of coffee, or just being alone with your own thoughts. Take the phone off the hook!
ŸFind ways of incorporating into your day, things that you enjoy. It might be where you choose to go for a walk with your baby in the pushchair (eg. around the shops, through a beautiful park/reserve), it might be that you go to a child-friendly café to have coffee with a friend while your children play together on the playground.
Spend time socially with others. It may be that you find this through playgroups or coffee groups - but don’t limit your socializing just to these, although there may be seasons where this is the only possibility. Remember your goals and pursue interest groups with other adults so that you have some ‘adult-time’ where the activities and conversation do not revolve around your children
Say no to demands that compromise your needs and your children’s needs. If you don’t learn how to say no to your children or to others, you are going to seriously burn yourself out
Discuss fears and concerns/anxieties about finances, loss of previous lifestyle, or the blending of your career and family with your partner - or find a support group (or coffee group) where you can talk out some of these issues with other mothers who can relate to your experience
If you have made goals to make some lifestyle changes so that you can attend to your needs that have been neglected, don’t forget to discuss your plans with your partner and your children. By explaining your need to change some things, you are going to avoid any unnecessary backlash/protests that might dissuade you from following through with your goals. Recognize, however, in order for there to be a balance in the family of needs being met, there will no doubt need to be a compromise. That compromise should not always be on your part, but ought to be shared
Sometimes it can be easy to focus on the difficulties parenting and raising children brings. Spend some time considering why you wanted to become a mother, and what pleasures being a parent brings you. For instance, it may have given you an enormous capacity to love that you did not possess prior to having children!

Often what drives mothers/parents to neglect their own self-care is a list of “shoulds” that berate them mentally about what a “good parent” is. We need to challenge those thoughts. If we continue in our martyr role, not only do we become tired, stressed and resentful which obviously affects our ability to parent well - we are also a role model to our children about how we value and take care of ourselves and therefore, how they should take care of themselves when they are an adult and a parent. It’s important that we spend the energy finding a way to take care of ourselves while being a parent not only for our sake, but so that we are teaching our children that it is good for them to take care of themselves, too.

Pampering Competition Update!

2009-10-01T15:23:00.002+13:00

Enter our great pampering competition now! ALL entries will receive a $50 voucher for the Exquisite Laser Clinic.
First prize is a $50 voucher for the Exquisite Laser Clinic, a free makeover & photoshoot AND $150 towards portraits from Photographers Inc, and a free haircut and blow-wave from Affordable Kutz & Kurlz!
Simply make a comment on ANY of our blog posts, then visit this page to complete your entry: http://www.nznannies.org.nz/page_parents-competition_1903

Fighting Fair When Our Kids are Around

2009-09-30T10:06:00.000+13:00

I’m concerned our kids might be affected by our arguing - what can we do?

Research has shown that children growing up amongst conflict such as violence/abuse but also including shouting/arguing are more likely to have mental health problems, learning difficulties, behavioural problems, abusive relationships, a tendency towards criminal activities, addiction to drugs and alcohol and suicidal thoughts. The reason for this is because their brain develops in a different way to a child who is not over-exposed to conflict. So it is certainly a serious issue, and it’s good to be aware of this and to take steps to protect our children. So how can we “fight fair” to prevent our children from suffering any ill effects?

The first step we can take is to avoid conflict escalating into arguing, shouting or worse. It’s helpful to remember our circumstances and how they affect our ability to communicate with our partner. For instance, sleep deprivation or changes in our family circumstance places extra stress and strain on us. It’s at times like this that we can have a tendency to “turn on each other” and become snappy simply because of being tired or stressed. It’s in those times that we should try to make more of an effort to control the urge to snap, and instead find times and ways that you might be able to talk out issues together, communicate needs, and find solutions that would help improve the situation.

Tips for avoiding arguments:

Assign ‘baby care’ and household duties. When partners know what’s expected of them, things run more smoothly, so discuss these and be prepared to review them if it’s not working
Start a discussion at the right time - not in the “heat of the moment”. Wait till you’ve calmed down and you have the energy and space to discuss it properly
Listen to your partner’s concerns without cricising them
Be honest but sensitive with how you word things
Try and use “I” statements rather than “You” statements, eg. “I feel… because…” rather than “You always do this…”
Try to keep focused on the issue rather than bringing up old ground (historical issues)
Try to be clear about exactly what is upsetting you rather than being vague or trying to make your partner guess what is wrong because you’re too afraid to be honest
Steer clear of generalisations such as “you’re always..” or “you never”. Try and put the emphasis on the action that you don’t like rather than making it personal. Make “neutral comments” rather than attacking the other person’s character
Avoid swearing or name-calling

If you do happen to argue in front of your children, there are ways in which you can deal with it in a way that helps:

Try and keep the above “conflict rules”
Positive arguing can in fact teach children how to resolve conflict - remember that you are a role model to them - modelling childhood and adult relationships and what is “OK”
Make sure your child sees you apologize to each other after the fight
Be honest about your fighting. There is no use denying that there is a problem or pretending everything is OK. Children can become very anxious around conflict. Discussing/addressing it with your children helps relieve some of that anxiety. If your children have witnessed you arguing and not “fighting fair”, it is helpful to explain to your children what you did wrong and that you are sorry and what you intend to do to prevent it from happening again

Crying Babies

2009-09-23T09:14:00.003+12:00

Our baby cries and cries - we try everything but nothing helps for long. What can we do?

Listening to your baby crying breaks your heart and can cause you enormous anxiety and agitation - especially if you add to that your being sleep-deprived, particularly if it’s the early stages of your baby’s life.

The first thing to realise is that a baby cries because it’s the only way of communicating to you their needs. We feel frustrated when we feel that we don’t know what our baby is trying to tell us. It can often be desperate, exhausting attempts at trying one thing after another to see what works. But as we get to know our baby, we will begin to realise some of their cues and be able to respond to them, so be gentle on yourself and realise that it takes time.

The main reasons why babies cry:

Hunger - remember that some babies (especially newborns) need to be feed more frequently than others. Some babies get themselves so worked up when they are hungry, by the time they are fed they have gulped in a lot of air and then have problems with wind. The best thing to do is to respond early to signs of their being hungry, don’t wait. If your baby is in a routine, keep your feeding routine - don’t try and delay things if something else has cropped up. Feeding your baby is your priority and other things will simply need to wait! A baby doesn’t understand that you have other things to do in your day - and you may well pay for it if you delay your baby’s feed. And remember that babies do go through growth spurts, which may mean that they demand more at certain times than at others - so allow for this if you have your baby in a routine. Cues: If it’s been 3-4hrs since you last fed your baby, if he/she’s just woken up, or if you’ve just changed a very full nappy - chances are your baby is hungry. Remember that ‘rooting reflex’ your baby has early on - searching for mum’s breast, too as a sign that your baby wants to be fed.
Wind - having trapped wind in a baby’s belly can be uncomfortable and painful. Some babies are better at bringing up wind than others, and often newborns are particularly unpractised! It is also thought that breastfed babies have less wind than bottle-fed babies. To help your baby, always ‘wind’ him/her after a feed and between each side. Your baby may well wake up half an hour into their sleep, crying, because they still have trapped wind, so make sure that you spend the time doing this. Please see our previous articles on ‘Reflux’ and ‘Colic’ for more information on problems with feeding/wind. Cues: Your baby may bring his knees up to his chest or become restless - these are signs he might have some trapped wind.
Wet/soiled Nappy - some babies find having a wet/soiled nappy intolerable. If your baby is crying, regularly check and change your baby’s nappy to see whether he/she becomes more settled - and certainly let it be one of the things you consider if your baby is crying. Cues: Your baby might squirm or arch his/her back if uncomfortable.
Tired - there is nothing like an overtired baby. Once your baby has established a bit of a routine of how often they’d like to go to sleep, you do need to pick up on cues that your baby is getting tired. Your baby might yawn or just become fussy. Your baby may need a lot more sleep than you realise, particularly as newborn babies. Cues: Losing interest in toys, decreased activity, yawning, rubbing eyes, looking glazed.

If your baby is crying, have the above checklist in your mind and tick them off. If none of them seem to be what your baby is trying to tell you, then consider the following:

Overstimulation: If the room is noisy, there are lots of people around, there is music or banging or people trying to entertain your baby with rattles and other toys, it might all be becoming too much for your baby, particularly if baby is turning his/her head away from the noise. Try taking your baby out of the room and to somewhere peaceful where he/she can enjoy some gentle cuddles from you.
Frustration: Your baby may express his/her frustration at not being able to reach a toy or grasp/play with it in the way he/she wants to by crying. Your baby may just need a little help!
Loneliness: If your baby hasn’t seen you in a while because he/she has been lying on the floor playing happily while you’ve been hanging out the washing or cooking the dinner, he/she may start crying for you. A little time and some cuddles should resolve the problem! Remember, too, to try and put your baby down awake when it’s time for bed, rather than feeding off to sleep. The reason is that the last thing baby remembers is your face and when baby wakes up and you’re not there, he/she becomes distraught!
Boredom: Your baby has been stuck in a pushchair for a while with you shopping or catching up for a coffee with a friend. Baby’s crying might be loud and whiny, demanding your attention and simply wants a change of scene or to get out of the pushchair (or car seat or move to a different part of the house!)
Worry/Fear: Your baby may become uncomfortable in the arms of someone they don’t know, particularly if they’re not sure where you are. If his/her previous happy gurgles become unsettled cries, someone more familiar needs to take baby - especially you! Remember it takes time for babies to become accustomed to new people and new faces.
Too hot/too cold: Put a hand down your baby’s back and check his/her temperature. Your baby might be trying to say he/she’s too hot or too cold. The general rule is that baby has one more layer on than we do - we dress to the weather conditions and temperatures and so we need to adjust our baby’s clothes accordingly. Particularly if we have gone from a warm house to a cold hall (for playgroup or something) or outside in a cold wind.
Pain/Sickness: A painful cry might be shrill and followed by a pause (while your baby catches his/her breath) just like an adult cries when they are hurt. Check your baby from head to toe to see if you can find the source. Alternatively, your baby may not like the taste of your milk! If you are breastfeeding and have eaten something you don’t normally eat, and baby is fussy on the breast, consider what you have been eating that might have upset baby’s tummy. On the other extreme, your baby’s cry might be very weak - this may show signs of illness. Check your baby for a temperature and other signs that might indicate sickness.

And just a few more tips you could try if you’ve tried everything else:

Hold your baby (try arms, slings, front packs)
Provide motion (rhythmic swinging, rocking or jiggling)
Turn on some white noise: vacuum cleaner, fan heater or fan
Swaddle your baby nice firmly so baby feels secure
Baby massage - stroking your baby gently, or try patting on baby’s back or bottom
Let your baby have something to suck on: might be your breast, a pacifier, daddy’s finger or a teething toy
Distracting baby: just a change of scenery such as walking outside to look at the trees and the birds can calm a baby quickly

Take Care of Yourself

If you have tried everything you can think of to soothe your baby, don’t feel like a failure or incompetent as a parent. It is a common problem for babies - don’t add to your load by heaping guilt on yourself! Remember you are doing the best you can. Once you have taken care of baby the best that you can, take care of yourself:

When you feel yourself becoming agitated and worked up, put baby down in his/her bassinet or cot for ten minutes out of your hearing while you calm yourself. Baby will not be harmed by his/her own crying and sometimes you need that short breather in order to be able to manage. Take some deep breaths, put on some relaxing music.
Support one another as parents - give one another some time out (take turns if you need to) and some encouraging words. Don’t turn your frustration on each other - remember you are in this together and be kind to one another.
Get help: talk to Plunket or your Doctor if you are worried. You can call Healthline on 0800-611-116 to speak to a ‘Well Child Nurse’ for advice. Call a friend/relative for support - have someone take care of the baby while you get some rest or some time away.
When you are taking a break from your baby, remember to truly have some self-care: have a long warm bath, put on some relaxing music, go out for coffee with a friend, read a magazine, get some sleep. Take care of yourself - don’t use the time to do housework or run an errand!
Don’t demand too much of yourself. Lower some of your other expectations such as getting all the housework done or going out to playgroup activities for example. You need to be realistic about what you can cope with. Figure out what helps you and what makes things worse (you and the baby more tired). Ask for help with some of the things you need to do - such as housework, grocery shopping or errands you need to run.
Above all, remember that it will not harm your baby to cry. It is a source of communication, and usually a phase that will pass. It’s helpful to remember that it won’t last forever, and it may just be that you have more of a “crying baby” than other babies. Accepting this can help you to get through it. Find strategies that give you the strength to be able to cope with it.

Enter our Parent's competition!

2009-09-15T10:30:00.003+12:00

How would you like to be pampered? Well, just for being a special client of NZ Nannies International and a deserving parent, we are offering you the chance to win the opportunity to do just that:

A $50 gift voucher to go towards a luxurious facial or another treatment of your choice
A free cut and blow wave
A free one-hour makeover and one-hour photo shoot plus $150 towards portrait photos

All you have to do is to win the “Post of the Month.” Post a reply to any of the articles that we have posted on this blog. Then enter your details so that we know how to contact you if we select your post - enter your details on our website - just click here for the link: http://www.nznannies.org.nz/page_new-zealand-nannies-international--agency--au-pa_1903

We will choose the “Post of the Month” as our winner. This offer expires on October 9th 2009.

Happy posting and good luck!!

Spring School Holiday Family Events around Auckland

2009-09-10T13:26:00.002+12:00

School holidays are coming up, and I know how tricky it can be to come up with fun activities to do with the kids every day while trying to avoid the “I’m bored” tantrums! The most important thing to remember is to plan. Sit down with the kids and talk about what they would like to do, and try to incorporate these ideas into the plan. Structure is important to children so having a list of what you are going to do over the holidays will be really helpful in this aspect.

The 2009 Spring school holidays are from September 26^th – October 11^th.

Here is a list of some ideas of activities you can do with the kids, whether you are a nanny, Au Pair, a parent or family member caring for children at home. There are plenty of opportunities and ideas available for being active and having fun with the kids over the school holidays!

Get Outdoors

There are heaps of outdoor activities you can do for very little or no cost. The Spring weather can be changeable, so take advantage of any sunny days to get out and about. You can go for a picnic, to play at the park, to the beach, and for older children there are plenty of trails and cycle trails all around New Zealand. In Auckland, find a list of local walking trails ranging from 30 minutes to several hours at the Auckland City Council website: http://www.aucklandcity.govt.nz/whatson/places/walkways/default.asp

Plant Veges

This is a great option for the Spring school holidays – it’s the perfect time to plant easy to grow vegetables like lettuce and tomatoes. You can incorporate into this education about food and nutrition, and it will also save money on your grocery bill!

Play

Dust off the old board games, have a waterfight on the warm days, unleash your creativity with drawing and painting, bake something yummy together, make homemade playdough, play make-believe (for example, kids love playing shopkeeper!) – the opportunities for play are endless. These options are great for those days where the weather is not ideal for getting out and about.

Get Out and About

There are plenty of no-cost places to go in your city. There are museums and art galleries in most of the main centres which are free (or ask a small donation) for entry. Most towns in New Zealand have a public library with great books for kids of all ages. There are also options which cost a bit, so if you feel like splashing out you can visit the zoo, and in Auckland there is of course Rainbow’s End and MOTAT. There are also public pools, some which are indoors, eliminating the need to wait for a sunny day – in Auckland, find a list of public swimming pools at the Auckland City Council website: http://www.aucklandcity.govt.nz/council/services/recreation/default.asp

Here is a list of some upcoming events during the Spring school holidays in the Auckland region:

Wonderland: Mystery of the Orchid (runs until 12th October):

Auckland Museum, The Domain,
Parnell - Special Exhibitions Hall

Adults: $8, Children: Free. The Mystery of the Orchid is an experience best described by that popular adage of Lewis Carol's Alice: "Curiouser and curiouser!" Don't miss it. More info: www.aucklandmuseum.com

'90Â° South - Edmund Hillary at the Pole 1957-8' (runs until January 2011):

MOTAT, Great North Road, Western Springs - Logan Campbell Building

10am - 5pm. Our Sir Edmund exhibit tells the story of his extraordinary Commonwealth Trans-Antarctic Expedition and features one of MOTAT's most treasured artefacts - Sir Ed's modified Ferguson tractor. More info: www.motat.org.nz.

Starlight Express:

Vector Arena

Tickets from $45. Andrew Lloyd Webber's 'Starlight Express' - one of the most successful musicals of all time, visits New Zealand for the first time since opening in London in 1984. The story follows a child's dream in which his toy train comes to life; the show is unique as all performers are on roller skates. More info: www.starlightexpressnz.com.

Magic Show - Monday 28th September (runs until 10th October):

Centre Court, Westfield Manukau City Shopping Centre. Corner Wiri Station Road and Great South Road

11am and 1pm. Free. Great entertainment for all ages, heaps of prizes to be win. More info: Monya van Wyk - 978 5310 or www.westfield.com/manukau.

Auckland Heritage Festival (19 September to 4 October 2009):

Auckland Heritage Festival is a celebration of our city's heritage that involves a programme of 150 exciting, diverse and interactive events. To download a programme, click the following link: http://www.aucklandcity.govt.nz/whatson/events/heritage/docs/programme2009.pdf

Snake and Lizard:

The PumpHouse Theatre, Killarney Park,
off Manurere Ave, Takapuna

10.30am and 1pm daily. Earlybird special: 28th and 29th Sept: $16; Family Pass: $70; Single: $20. Tim Bray's adaptation of Snake and Lizard, by Joy Cowley, which was the winner of the 2008 New Zealand Post Book Awards. It's a funny tale of two very unlikely new best friends. More info: 489-8360 or www.timbrayproductions.co.nz.

Howick Plunket Seminars - Exercise for Mums and Bubs (Friday 2^nd October):

Configure Express, adjacent to the Foodcourt at Westfield Pakuranga

11am. Gold coin donation. Configure Express will take Mums and Bubs for a tour of the gym and then demonstrate some exercises Mums can do with their Bubs to benefit their bodies post-pregnancy. Children welcome, morning tea provided. More info: Rochelle - 533 7852 or www.howickplunket.org.nz.

Jack & The Beanstalk (Saturday 3^rd October):

Logan Campbell Centre, ASB Showgrounds, Greenlane Rd West

10am, 1pm and 4pm. Family Pass: $30. Live theatre exposes children to new levels of creativity and imagination. Exciting children's activities like face painting, freebies, photo session with the cast, etcâ€¦ More info: 361 4500 or www.southernstars.org.nz

Behavioural Problems, Tantrums & Discipline

2009-09-09T10:32:00.000+12:00

Question of the Week: Our daughter’s behaviour has been so difficult and we have tried everything we know to deal with it, but nothing has worked. Do you have any suggestions?

Discipline has been a ‘hot topic’ in our country of late with the Anti-Smacking Law remaining despite the results of the referendum, and the heated debates we have had between our politicians and between us as families with varying opinions, as it strikes at some of our core family values. But we’ll get to discipline a little later. First, let’s look at the reasons why our children might be throwing tantrums or being difficult in their behaviour.

There are so many reasons why our children start to behave in this way. It may be a combination of our child exercising their desire to be independent or expressing their personality (you might have heard of the “terrible twos” for instance - because the ages of 2-4yo is where developmentally children are wanting to find a bit of independence). It may be that we have not known how to discipline our child at all, or tried different ways and given them up quickly, believing they have not worked, or not had the strength to follow it all the way through. It may be that your child is simply wanting more attention from you, and the way they have discovered they get that is to throw a tantrum or behave in such a way that you will notice. Or it may be that there are problems in the family, in the home or at school, and without knowing how to communicate their feelings, your child has simply acted out their anger or fear with their behaviour - their way of saying “something is wrong!” While we can’t fully address all of these issues, we would like to give you some tips on each of them.

Step One: Boundaries

The first thing you must do as parents is to discuss what your boundaries are and how you are going to respond if they are crossed by your child (we will give you some ideas on how you can respond a little later). It’s so important that you agree as parents as to your approach and work consistently as a team. If one of you does not agree with the boundary or the response, then the exercise is futile - your child’s behaviour will not change and she/he will become confused when one parent is allowing behaviour while the other is not. It’s important to discuss what you both feel is unacceptable behaviour. Don’t assume that you both will reach the same conclusion about what is unacceptable - all of us come from different families with different parenting styles and one of us might just feel it’s best to “let it go” while the other may feel it is important to address the behaviour.

Once you have agreed what is unacceptable behaviour and how you will both respond to it, it’s important to be consistent. Make sure that the response you have chosen is something that you are both comfortable carrying out. If it’s not, then it will make the situation worse. Your child loses respect for your authority and stops paying attention to your words if they become idle threats that you don’t follow through on.

Step Two: Be Consistent

There is no point in carrying out discipline some of the time in response to behaviour, but not others (because you are too tired or the circumstances would not allow for it, eg. at someone else’s house or at the supermarket. Again, inconsistency undermines your authority as a parent and your child will continue to test the boundaries, knowing that sometimes she/he can get away with it.

Step Three: Don’t Give Up

There are times when, as a parent, you simply get exhausted with the process of addressing difficult behaviour with discipline. It takes an enormous amount of energy to persevere and remain consistent time after time - and it feels like an ongoing battle with your child. But don’t give up. Your child’s personality may have a very strong will, and if this behaviour has been allowed to continue for a long time, it will take some time for you to break it. There may be some other more positive tactics you might introduce alongside the discipline you have chosen that might help, but don’t chop and change the type of discipline you use - your child will only become confused. Just remember to balance your battles with times in the day where you simply enjoy your child. It is hard work for everyone concerned if the entire day is a battle between you.

Tips: Addressing the Cause of the Behaviour

Find ways to talk to your child about their behaviour in a calm manner, asking them questions to help them think about why they do it. Obviously, their ability to think and reflect and respond will depend on their age, so you may need to help them with some of their words. Teach your children about their emotions and how it is okay to express it but encourage them to express their emotions in an appropriate way. Invite them to talk to you about their feelings. Discuss what is unacceptable behaviour. As your children get older and grow into teenagers, these discussions are the most important part of discipline - without it, our children grow to resent us and we begin to lose the relationship through lack of communication.
If your child is at a stage where they are wanting to express some independence, find ways in which you can encourage and accommodate it. There are times where you can give way, such as allowing your child to choose what he/she will wear (or giving two choices if this ends up causing more problems!), helping you with the housework, or making small decisions such as what they will play with or where they might like to go on an outing.
If your child is seeking attention from you - give it to them! Try ignoring bad behaviour and praising them as much and as often as possible for good behaviour. Set up a reward chart, and make a big deal of it, be consistent with it and put on your list of things they achieve the key issues that you are battling with your child on a regular basis. Don’t reward your child with a sticker (or tick or stamp) if they have not shown good behaviour in that particular area - your child knows when they haven’t, and it will just end up being another way of being able to get away with their behaviour and still be rewarded. Make sure that you are spending quality time with your child, giving them that undivided attention and praise and encouragement that they long for.

Tips: Discipline

If difficult behaviour has become a pattern at certain times or during certain activities in the day, talk to your child about it in advance. For instance, you might say “we are going to have dinner now. I want to see you sitting nicely and using your manners.” (You might explain what using your manners means - addressing the behaviour you don’t like - such as using their knife and fork not their fingers, not talking with your mouthful, saying excuse me when other people are talking and you need to say something or waiting your turn etc.) Discussing activities and the behaviour you would like to see in advance helps children tremendously. Prevention is the key!
There is some behaviour that you might decide as parents you are simply going to ignore, and praise good behaviour instead - and you may find this works well, and those behavioural problems just fade away. The wise saying “choose your battles” applies here - otherwise you will be battling your child all day long and everyone will be miserable. So decide what behaviour you can let go, and what behaviour you can’t.
The tone of your voice and content of what you are saying is so important. When telling a child that you don’t like their behaviour and to stop it, there is a few things you need to do in order for your child to listen: 1) change the tone of your voice - if it’s the same tone that you use when you are talking normally or even praising your children, why would they stop and take notice? 2) don’t shout - apart from it creating a tense and aggressive atmosphere, children are emotionally affected by shouting and what’s more, they often don’t listen to it and instinctively know that you are wrong to do it - particularly as you don’t accept shouting from them, 3) change and lower your voice, remain calm but firm so your child knows that you mean it, 4) ask your child to come to you and get down on their level when addressing them about their behaviour - that way they realise that what you are saying is important and they will listen, 5) keep your instructions brief and use language your child understands - you might want to give a lecture on their behaviour (especially if it’s really made you mad!) but don’t complicate it, otherwise your child will become confused about what you are wanting
Have you found yourself telling your child off all day long and using the word “don’t” 50x a day? Sometimes we find ourselves saying “don’t” or telling our child off automatically before they have even done anything wrong - perhaps pre-empting bad behaviour, but this is not helpful. Not only does this make life with your child an unpleasant one, your child simply becomes confused about right and wrong and stops listening to “constant telling off” so that when she/he does do something wrong, your correction may fall on deaf ears. If this is you, try to get “don’t” out of your vocabulary and instead ask your child for the behaviour that you want to see. When you do have to address a behaviour, make sure you follow it up with behaviour you would like to see, eg. “We do not take toys off other children. I want you to go and give that toy back to that child and to go and find another toy to play with.”
When children cross the line and exhibit behaviour you have agreed is unacceptable, draw your child aside, speak with a low tone, say what you don’t like and what you would like instead briefly and clearly and give a warning about what will happen if they don’t stop that behaviour. It is important to give the warning every time in order to be consistent. If the behaviour continues, follow through so that your child knows they are not just idle words, and that when you speak to them about their behaviour, they need to listen and respect you.

Time-Out

Time-out is a great way to discipline children at a certain age. This can start as young as 2 years old, and might continue through to 7 years old - or as long as it seems to make a difference. You might use the child’s bedroom for time-out (particularly if the child simply needs time to calm down) or, you might find that environment is too “rewarding” and instead use a “naughty step”, a “naughty corner” or a “naughty chair.” Whatever works for you and your child. You may have to try a few locations before you have one that works for you. I have had a child go into time-out in their bedroom only to discover they had jumped out the window! Time out in the bathroom didn’t work either, they unravelled the toilet paper and made a mess! I had to settle on a “naughty corner” where I could watch her, yet made sure that I was not engaging with her during the time that she was there.
When putting a child into time-out, ensure you explain why you are putting them there. Put the timer on for the duration of how long they will be staying - the consensus is one minute for every year of their age, eg. 2 mins for a 2yo. Don’t speak to your child or engage with your child while they are in time-out, and make sure the rest of the family doesn’t either. If your child takes him/herself out of time-out before the timer has sounded or acts up in some other way, explain you are now restarting the timer because of this, and restart it. Do it over and over again (including putting your child back into the spot you have chosen them to go in for time-out) until they stay there. If they are calling out or trying to talk to you, ignore them. And if it carries on, explain that you are going to restart the timer and why. When time-out is up, go to your child and ask them why they were put there and ask them to apologise to you. Once they have said they are sorry for their behaviour, give them a reassuring cuddle to show them you still love them despite their behaviour!
Don’t go on to talk to them/lecture them about their behaviour afterwards. They have experienced the consequence of their behaviour, let them now change it and enjoy the rest of the day. Use the time your child spends in time out to calm down from the anger it might have created in you. Sometimes you need time out as a parent when you feel angry with your child for their behaviour. Don’t carry your anger on into the rest of the day - deal with it, and then rise above it to be the positive parent your kids deserve.
Time-out can be anywhere. Sometimes families are at a loss as to what to do when their child behaves badly in public, such as playgroup or at a playdate or at the supermarket/shopping mall. Choose a spot that is away from other people. It might be under a tree away from all the fun, or in another room of a person’s house. It might be abandoning your supermarket trolley, taking the child to “time out” in their carseat in the car, shutting the door for four minutes (or whatever the case might be) and waiting outside (with your back to them) until that time is up, then resuming your shopping.
Time-out is not locking a child in a room for an indefinite period of time. This creates fear in a child, and can cause emotional damage.

Taking Away Privileges

Before we discuss taking away privileges, it is important to determine what is a privilege and what is a need. Children have both physical and emotional needs. They have a need to be sheltered, fed and clothed, educated, nurtured, encouraged and loved. Withholding any of these, as we know, is abuse. So in terms of taking away privileges, this would not include, for instance that your child “goes without dinner.” It might include, however, “going without dessert.” One is a need, the other is a privilege. It’s important for us to recognise the difference. Often we see toys as being a need. On the one hand, it is a part of a child’s learning - so we would not take all toys away from a child as a punishment. On the other hand, it is a privilege that our child has a computer, a playstation, access to a television or dvd or any other toy that is special to them. When they are older, it is a privilege for our children to have a mobile phone or access to the internet or to go out with their friends in the evening/weekends, or to borrow the car and so on. Therefore, since it is a privilege, it is reasonable to expect our children to treat us and the things we have given them with respect.
When time-out no longer works for your child due to personality or age, taking away privileges is another way of disciplining our children. The same process applies: the warning, the explaining and then the following through as well as the discussion afterwards and expecting an apology. It’s often helpful to take away a privilege that has caused the behavioural problem, eg. children fighting over a particular toy or “grounding” a teenager when they have engaged in an activity outside of the home that is unacceptable. This helps a child/young person to recognise that you have given them a privilege, and you expect them to treat that privilege with respect. Sometimes, though, behaviour does not involve a privilege (a toy or freedom you’ve given them) and taking away a privilege is then simply used as a punishment - a consequence of their behaviour.

Tantrums

Tantrums are thrown by children to gain their parents’ attention and can start as young as 1yo! I have even had parents tell me that their baby less than 1yo had started to throw tantrums! It’s helpful to teach your children an appropriate way of seeking your attention and to prevent tantrums by giving your children quality time. But to stop your toddler having tantrums, the best thing that you can do is to ignore it. Ensure your child is safe (not near objects that could hurt or fall on your child), and then simply walk away and ignore it. You’d be surprised at how quickly the drama might stop when your child no longer has an audience! When you have a baby who throws him/herself back onto the floor (potentially hitting their head), clearly it would not be safe to simply leave them on their own and walk away - although once they‘re on the ground they may be safe to be left so long as they are not continuing to throw themselves back. You might choose instead to put them in their cot (on their soft cot mattress) and walk away, just standing outside the doorway waiting for it to stop - you don’t want your baby hitting his/her head on the cot rails and so on, so it’ s best to be within earshot, but enough of a distance that your baby realises they’re not getting the attention they’re looking for!
Keep in mind, it might take some time for your child to realise that this is just not worth the energy. Eventually it will stop, if you don’t give attention to it. If you sometimes give attention to it, the tantrums will carry on a lot longer than they have to.
Often children have extreme emotions that they don’t know what to do with. Over time, as parents, you will help them to learn other ways to express their emotions. In the meantime, we want the tantrums to stop.
It is definitely challenging for parents when they are in a supermarket, a shopping mall, at someone else’s place or out and about in public when their child throws a tantrum. A lot of parents don’t know what to do, and it doesn’t help to get the “looks” from disapproving people around them (although the ones in the know usually give sympathetic smiles!) Here’s a few things that you can do: 1) Prevent the tantrum from happening: explain what behaviour you would like from them, involve your children in the experience (eg. helping put groceries in the trolley) so they are not bored, deal with difficult behaviour early on (eg. one warning then time-out in the car) so that it doesn’t escalate into a tantrum, 2) If you are in the shopping mall or the supermarket where there are a lot of objects and a lot of people, remain a safe distance away, don’t talk/engage with your child, wait till the tantrum is over, ignore the stares and looks, remember this stage will pass!! 3) If you feel your child is not safe, move unsafe objects away from your child or move your child to a safe place - not much fun having a kicking, screaming, struggling child in your arms, so only do this if you have to, 4) If you are in a supermarket/shopping mall and your child has just had a tantrum and you were unable to deal with it by walking away, you might choose to put them in time-out for their behaviour (eg. in their carseat in the car while you stand outside it with your back to your child) so that this kind of behaviour doesn’t continue while you try to finish your shopping, 5) If you are in a situation where you can simply walk away (because your child will be safe) - such as at another person’s house - then do it! Ask your friend whether you could both go into another room until the tantrum is over.
Don’t stop your grocery shopping or your time with your friend because of your child’s behaviour - unless you know that your child is tired or hungry. If your child is bored, find ways to deal with that rather than simply returning home. You do need to listen to those needs, but otherwise their behaviour should not control your life. Your child needs to learn that you are the parent, and that their behaviour does not have the power to control you!

Parenting is not an easy job and behavioural problems and discipline is perhaps the hardest part about it - but we hope that you have found this advice helpful and we wish you the best with it!

Sibling Rivalry

2009-09-02T09:00:00.001+12:00

Subject: Question of the Week: My firstborn is terribly jealous of the new baby. It’s started a whole lot of behavioural problems - what can we do?

Sibling Rivalry is something that can start even before a new second baby is born! It is particularly difficult, perhaps for a firstborn child who has had their parents’ undivided attention and have never had to share their parents’ attention prior to the new baby coming along. Newborn babies are particularly demanding of our attention - especially as a mother, and are completely dependent upon us. Furthermore, if you have a baby struggling with sickness or common problems such as reflux or colic, this will only demand more of your time - and time away from your other children. The result can be behaviour issues, and you feeling frustrated and exhausted being constantly pulled in different directions with demands for attention from your children.

We’d like to help you understand sibling rivalry, and give you some tips on what you can do to improve your family life in this area.

Understanding Sibling Rivalry & Factors that Influence It:

Your Child’s Age: Your children have ever-changing emotional and physical needs depending on their age and stage of development. So consider their developmental stage when placing expectations on children - such as sharing toys. Parallel play (where children will play alongside each other with their own individual toys), for instance, rather than interactive play is common amongst young toddlers. School-age children strongly believe in fairness and equality and don’t understand different/preferential treatment. Teenagers may resent being asked to contribute to household chores and would prefer their own independence and finding their individuality outside of the family. If children are born fairly close in age, there may be limited understanding of the change that has taken place, and increased competitiveness.
Your Child’s Temperament: How well your children get along can depend on their personalities. If both are strong-willed and want their own way, for instance, that is a recipe for some heated arguments! Whereas, if one is a strong leader, and the other more laid-back and willing to go along with others’ leadership, playtime may well be fairly peaceful.
Sickness/Stress: Sometimes children act out if there is stress in the family that causes them to be afraid or unsettled, for instance, if the new baby is struggling with sickness.
Role Models: If you and your partner deal with conflict in a respectful way, it serves as a role model to your children as to how to work out their differences. Not all conflict between you and your partner should be done behind closed doors, because it serves to teach your children this all-important lesson. However, if there is aggression/shouting when conflict occurs between you and your partner, of course this is behaviour your children will learn in how to deal with conflict. It’s the old saying of “do what I say, not what I do” - but children don’t work that way!

Welcoming a Second Baby

Your firstborn child (or previous children) may feel a range of emotions in response to a new baby’s arrival. From excitement to jealousy to resentment! Here are a few tips that you can use to help your child/children adjust. Try some of these tips according to what‘s suited to their age:

You might like to buy a special baby doll that your child can have as “her baby” to care for when you have had your new baby. Encourage her to attend to her baby’s needs while you are attending to your’s. Or you might buy a special toy that your child can play with only when you are feeding the baby as a special treat.
Involve your child in your baby’s care as much as possible, rather than exclude them. Find small ways in which they can help and feel included.
There will be times, however, that you need space and time on your own with the baby. For instance, with a crying, wriggling wet/soiled baby, you might find it too stressful also dealing with a toddler at the same time. Or there may be times you would like to feed the baby in peace. Communicate in advance with your child what you want from them during those times, “eg. When mummy changes baby’s nappy, she would like you to go and play with something else until she is finished.” Then follow up with reminders like “We wait until mummy has finished changing baby and then we can talk to mummy, can’t we? So go and play now.” Every mother needs time and space at certain times of the day rather than juggling two or more children at once in order to manage and enjoy their time with their children. It’s okay to set these kinds of boundaries and expectations of what you are wanting at different times of the day. Work out what you need, communicate it with your children, and then keep to the boundaries so your children don’t become confused.
Using role-play (often with a baby doll or soft toy like a teddy) or reading stories about a new baby’s arrival in the house are helpful.
Explaining in advance what is going to happen when the new baby arrives helps a child to adjust. Equally, explaining what is going to happen in the day with the new baby, helps a child tremendously, eg. “When baby wakes up, I’m going to feed the baby, and that is your time to find something you like to play with. After that we will have some lunch and when the baby sleeps again, you and I will play a game together. Why don’t you choose now one game that you’d like to play with on your own, and one game you’d like to play with mummy?”
Don’t introduce too many major changes, eg. toilet-training, or expect too much when an older child is still adjusting to the new baby’s arrival. It is a learning process for them.
Arrange special one-on-one time with your older child/children, and make sure that they realise that this time is special so that they feel special. Use the time to do something your child is interested in, rather than simply running errands or arranging a play date. This time needs to be a time where your undivided attention is on your child, doing something that she/he is interested in and enjoys. This kind of attention is so important, and really is a key to helping your child adjust - particularly if you are experiencing real behavioural problems from your older child in relation to the new baby. Having your partner take over the care of the new baby while you spend time with your older son or daughter will help. And building one-on-one attention into your everyday as much as you can, is equally important - such as reading a bedtime story, or setting aside some time while baby is asleep instead of attending to household chores or other activities. It is a juggle, and should not be at the expense of your own wellbeing, but it helps!

What You Can Do When Kids Get Older:

Model good, respectful ways of dealing with conflict between you and your partner as indicated above
If you think that their behaviour may be associated with fear about the other child’s illness, talk to them about it and discuss ways she/he might be able to express that fear in a different way
Encourage arguing children to resolve the matter themselves. It’s important for them to learn how to resolve conflict
When you do have to step in (particularly if it has become a physical fight), separate your children until they are calm. Don’t try to figure out who was to blame or who started it - it always takes two people to cause a fight. However, discuss what happened once the children are calm and talk about other ways they could have resolved the conflict. Ask children to find a compromise where both can win, or if they are too young to do this, suggest one for them.
If arguing/fighting is a common occurrence, communicate with your children before they start playing together what kind of behaviour you expect from them, and suggest how they might be able to resolve any potential conflict that arises (it may be that they may need some space from each other for a while if they‘re starting to get annoyed with each other). Communicate ground rules for play - what’s acceptable and what’s not.
Address personality issues. For instance, if one child’s push for leadership makes the other child feel resentful and “bossed around”, talk to the first child about why that might annoy the other child, and ways in which that might play together instead (eg. taking turns at “being the Queen” or discussing and agreeing together on something they both want to play).
Don’t get too caught up into the “fair” or “equal” trap. On the one hand, it is helpful to respect your children by listening to their objections if they don’t think that something is fair, and to consider what they are saying, and make adjustments if it is reasonable, However, children can drive their parents crazy trying to make everything equal and fair! Children do need to learn that there are times where a child might need extra help, attention or whatever the case may be.
Don’t force your children to play together or be a tag-along all the time. Allow your children time to be on their own playing with their own toys or with their own friends.
Spend one-on-one time with your kids doing things they are interested in. Communicate your love to them in their special love language (refer to our article on Love Languages of your Child). Have fun together as a family.
Hold weekly family meetings with school-age children if arguing and fighting between siblings is an ongoing problem. And if the fights are generally around the same issue, find ways of setting limits. Toys and so on are a privilege, not a right - and so it is okay to expect certain behaviour in order to enjoy that privilege.

The Five Love Languages of Children

2009-08-26T09:05:00.001+12:00

Have you got any suggestions as to how I can help my child to feel more loved, and grow up happy and healthy?

Parenting is hard, and we do our best to make sure our children feel loved and have a safe and secure home that will set them up for life. The fact that you’re even reading this says to me that you deeply care about your children, and want the very best for them. Generally, all parents do - but it’s taking the time to improve our parenting skills by reading, attending seminars, talking with experts and other parents and generally resourcing ourselves.

I want to recommend a book by Gary Chapman called “The Five Love Languages of Children.” In this book, Gary outlines five different ways that we feel loved by another person. He believes that everyone benefits from all five expressions of love, but there are one or two in which we feel most loved and is most important to us. This goes for our children as well. The five he has given are as follows:

Time
We feel most loved when someone spends quality time with us. This is giving us undivided attention to talk with us or spending time together involved in an activity of interest. For a child whose love language is “Time”, it means the world to them if we go out of our way to set aside time especially for them: making it a regular weekly special time, scheduling it in our diaries or on the family calendar etc.

Acts of Service
We feel most loved when someone does something practical for our benefit. For an adult this might me attending to some household chores so that we don’t have to, or it might mean making us dinner or even just a cup of coffee. For a child, it might be something like fixing the tyre on their bike, helping them with their homework.

Physical Touch
We feel most loved when we experience physical touch from our loved ones. This might include massage (if appropriate), holding hands, an arm around the shoulder, having a child sit on your lap, lots of cuddles, even “rough and tumble” play. It’s easy for dads to neglect this when their son or daughter becomes a teenager because they may feel uncomfortable, but it is still extremely important to our teenagers - perhaps even more so at such an emotionally difficult time of their life.

Words of Encouragement
We feel most loved when someone praises us, giving us encouragement for how what we have achieved, what we are doing well or pointing out our attributes when we make a mistake/fail, or positive comments about who we are as a person. Both adults and children with this love language feel especially hurt when words are used to criticize or carelessly/mistakenly put them down.

Gifts
We feel most loved when someone gives us a gift. This does not necessarily have to be an expensive gift. It might be something simple like a card, or a baking a cake especially for that person. It might be flowers or a thoughtful present having heard and remembered a conversation where they had expressed a desire for something.

As you can probably appreciate, each and every one of these expressions of love benefit our children. But there are one or two that speak volumes to your child about how you love them. So how do you know which love language your child most appreciates?

1. Observe how your child expresses love to you. People (both children and adults) generally give love in the way they themselves would like to receive it. Your child may well be speaking his own love language without you realizing it. Be particularly aware of those love languages that aren’t natural to you.
2. Observe how your child expresses love to others. Pay close attention to how your child interacts with the children and adults to whom your child most often shows affection.
3. Listen to what your child requests most often. Most kids are not shy about voicing their requests, preferences and desires. If you learn to “listen between the lines” to the things your child is requesting, you may hear his or her primary love language.
4. Listen to your child’s most frequent complaints. When you stop to consider their whining and grumbling, the results may surprise you. Their complaints may fall into a category corresponding with one of the love languages.
5. Give your child a choice between two options. Try introducing your child to situations where there are choices between two love languages. Pay close attention to the decisions made. The love language your child chooses most often may very well be the primary love language.

As adults, we too tend to show/express love in our own natural love language. And there are often one or two love languages that we find particularly difficult to express. It’s helpful to be aware of our child’s love language and to be intentional about expressing love in this way. It might feel foreign to us to express love in a way that we ourselves do not find especially beneficial, but we should not assume that our child naturally feels loved by us. For instance, our love language may be Acts of Service while our child’s might be Time. We might feel that because we cook, clean and care for their physical needs, our child feels loved - when in actual fact they are longing for some one-on-one time where they can talk with you for a while about what’s going on in their life - or play a game with you that they enjoy, throw a rugby ball around the yard with their dad or simply have you read a chapter each night of a book they enjoy even when they’re old enough to read it themselves.

If you would like to know more about the 5 Love Languages of Children - go to your library or see your bookstore and look for author Gary Chapman.

Reflux

2009-08-20T16:40:00.003+12:00

My baby has reflux. What can I do?

Well first, it helps to understand what reflux is. When a baby has gastric reflux its when the valve at the top of the stomach doesn’t close properly. The contents of the baby’s stomach (food and digestive acids) are brought up/regurgitated so that the baby vomits/spills. The acid can burn and may cause the baby great discomfort and/or pain.

Symptoms may include:

Distress during/after feeding
Refusing to feed or comfort feeding (over-feeding otherwise unhappy)
Irritability/fussiness
Oversensitivity to noise due to tiredness
May hold their head to one side to ease discomfit
Spilling/vomiting
Change in voice
Upper respiratory infections/sore throats

There are lots of options for treatment depending on your baby’s circumstance. Some are medical interventions, and some are things you can try on your own. It’s important, however, to discuss your concerns and suspicions with your Plunket Nurse and your doctor. Your Plunket Nurse will offer helpful advice and but your GP is the only one who can formally diagnose your baby with Gastric Reflux.

Here are some things that you can do:

Try a dairy-free diet for two weeks if you are breastfeeding
Try a dairy-free formula for two weeks if you are bottle feeding or if that doesn’t work, a thickened formula
Raise the head of the baby’s bassinette/cot by 30 degrees
When feeding try a more upright position - this is especially achievable when bottle-fed. Baby can sit almost upright while being bottle-fed, and move the bottle’s angle to prevent baby from sucking in air.
Use front packs, jolly jumper or exersaucer to keep baby upright during awake-times

If you are finding that your baby is still distressed, it may well be that your GP recommends medication. There are a number of medication options available which your GP can discuss with you. There are also a number of alternative therapies available that are herbal or homeopathic remedies. Some families choose to try Osteopathy and find this to be very effective, whereas others do not believe it to be beneficial. For more detailed information about Reflux and Treatment Options, we recommend the website “Crying Over Spilt Milk” http://www.cryingoverspiltmilk.co.nz

When to seek medical advice:

If your baby is restless
If your baby has sore ears
If your baby has projectile vomiting
If your baby has chronic wheezing
If your baby has difficulty swallowing
If your baby frequently has hiccups
If your baby fails to thrive (growth measurements)
If your baby has chronic coughing

Seek urgent medical attention if you have seen signs of dehydration (you are concerned about their decrease in feeds, they have reduced wet nappies or they seem lethargic - if your baby is floppy, go straight to the hospital), your baby has a high temperature nearing 40 degrees.

If you are unsure or concerned and you want to discuss your baby’s symptoms, call Healthline 0800-611-116.

A Quick Survey

2009-08-04T18:39:00.002+12:00

Parents - we'd love for you to take part in our quick survey about childcare.

Please go to the following link: http://www.surveybob.com/surveybob/s/46b23b3d-b985-4e5d-82c8-a6e0f98cb6bd.html

Kids Learning Styles

2009-08-03T18:51:00.001+12:00

New Zealand Nannies International discovered an interesting article on Kids Learning Styles based on their personality - borrowed from "Parenting" Magazine Issue #36. The article identifies the different needs children have and how they learn best according to their personality. Here is a summary:

Beaver (Melancholic)

Personality: Self-conscious, easily-embarrased, timid, bashful, avoids talking before a group, prefers to work and play alone, detailed, careful, deliberate, slow in making decisions, overcautious even in minor matters, may lack self-confidence and initiative, compliant, yielding, reserved, has a few intimate friendships, very sensitive, modest, creative, good at planning, organized, meticulous, analytical, conscientious.

Learning Style: Practical, observant, hands-on, methodical, precise, organized, conformers

Start with the facts
Step-by-step instructions
Be praised for their attention to detail and good memory
Work to a plan
Understand one thing at a time
Tick off completed tasks
Observe rather than explore
See lots of examples
Repeat until skill is learned

Lion (Choleric)

Personality: Rational, decisive, strong-willed, independent, opinionated, natural leader (may be bossy!), most prone to anger - does not display compassion easily, goal/task oriented, irritated by details, determined.

Learning style: Logical, questioning, negotiating, competent, fair, analytical, achievers

Start with goal-setting
Praise for achievements
Be treated like equal partners in their learning
Be logical
Be challenged
Understand why it's important
Receive clear feedback on how to improve
Critique objectively without penalty
Investigate pros & cons

Otter (Sanguine)

Personality: Influences others, natural leader, receptive, outgoing, talkative, often affectionate, cheerful/bubbly, often messy or disorganized, emotional, lacks discipline.

Learning style: Imaginative, easily-distracted, spontaneous, creative, unpredictable, day-dreamers.

Spontaneous activities to interrupt routine
Start with their ideas
Praise for originality
Understand the big picture
Be given choices
Have big dreams with no penalties
Freedom to be creative/curious
Avoid repetition
Explore things they find interesting

Retriever (Phlegmatic)

Personality: Steady, idealist, easy-going nature, calm, timid, often uses humour to make points, observes rather than involving self in others' activities, lacks motivation (can even be lazy), lack drive and ambition, self-protecting (to the point of selfishness), very stubborn - though often hidden under mild manner, dependable.

Learning style: Caring, empathetic, affectionate, kind, loyal, willing to help.

Start with points of agreement
Frequently praised by people who care
Study in a calm setting
Feel supported and appreciated
Study assignments that relate to people
Study with a friend
Know how what they're studying can be helpful
Study the important values in any situation
Learn through collaboration

Though most of us are made up of characteristics from all personality types, there are two that stand out, and one that is strongest.

Choleric/Sanguine personality types tend to be extroverts, while Melancholic/Phlegmatic personality types tend to be introverts. An extrovert gets their energy from people. An introvert gets their energy from time on their own.

What Assists an Extrovert in their Learning: Start with discussion, praise for participation, works well in groups, speak more than write, learn by doing, think out loud without penalty, talk to confirm what's learned, learn in the outdoors at times, have energy and enthusiasm.

What Assists an Introvert in their Learning: Start with a quiet space, be praised for listening and thinking skills, work independently, work without interruption, given time to process thoughts, given feedback privately, write more than they speak, choose to listen rather than participate with no penalty, study topics indepth.

August Family Events in Auckland

2009-08-03T18:48:00.000+12:00

Wednesday 5th (12th, 19th and 26th)

Library Pre-School Story Time

MOTAT Great North Road, Western Springs, Auckland

10.30am - 11.00am. What better way to spend a cold and wet winter day than snuggled up on bean bags listening to captivating stories told by MOTAT's librarians! More info: 815 5810.

Friday 7th

Howick Plunket Seminars
- Jewellery Workshop

Boardroom, Westfield Pakuranga,
Level 4 Westfield Towers
(adjacent to Training Room)

11am. Gold coin donation. Brownsons Jewellers, in conjunction with Pandora, will provide a jewellery workshop explaining the Pandora product range. A great chance to preview the product for upcoming special occasions. Children welcome, morning tea provided. More info: Rochelle - 533 7852 or www.howickplunket.org.nz.

Saturday 8th - Sunday 9th

The Big Night In Telethon 2009
- Giving to Kiwi Kids in Poverty

7pm on TV3. A spectacular 23 hour television event to remember. Proceeds go to the KidsCan StandTall Charitable Trust, dedicated to ensuring Kiwi kids less fortunate than others have a bright future. Money raised from the Telethon will provide New Zealand children living in extreme poverty with food, shoes and raincoats to keep them warm and dry in winter. To make a donation before The Big Night In visit: www.bignightin.co.nz, call: 0800 BNI 2009 with your credit card details or visit your local ASB, who will take old coins and foreign currencies as donations too.

Saturday 8th August

Howick Plunket 6th Annual Quiz Night

Howick Pakuranga Netball Club Rooms, 451 Pakuranga Highway, Howick

7.30pm. $15. Entry includes nibbles and supper, plus a complimentary glass of wine or juice. BYO beer and wine. Get your team together now! More info: Laura - 576 5399 or www.howickplunket.org.nz.

Pick & Mix: World Music Concert

Aotea Centre, 50 Mayoral Drive

11 am. Free. Zoh Zoh perform a fusion of Afro beat jazz and Reggae. Then it's your turn to learn some West African dancing! More info: 307 5435

Saturday 15th

Pick & Mix: NZSO

Auckland Town Hall, 303 Queen Street

11 am. Free. Discover the instruments of the symphony orchestra, then have a go at composing a brand new piece of music! More info: 307 5435

The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

Logan Campbell Centre, ASB Showgrounds, Greenlane Rd West

Sunday 16th August

3rd Sunday of the Month at MOTAT

MOTAT, Great North Road, Western Springs

10am - 5pm. Visitors can get up close and personal with MOTAT's exhibits; take your pick from the endless array of activities - military vehicle rides, trip on a steam train or a guided tour of MOTAT's Aircraft Hanger. MOTAT's Lollymaker and Blacksmith will be demonstrating their traditional skills. You can also participate in a bookbinding workshop or take home a souvenir from MOTAT's operational printing press! More info: www.motat.org.nz.

Thursday 20th (runs until Sunday 23rd)

"Hello Music Land" Live Interactive Cinema Show

10.30am and 1pm, St Lukes - SKYCITY Cinema A magical mix of digital cinema animation movie and live stage show, coming to NZ after successful tours in Australia and Asia. Play the world's largest SNAP game, ride on a rainbow road, turn pages of a giant StoryBook, sing and dance in the aisles -fantastic family fun! More info: www.hellomusicland.com or SKYCITY Cinemas for bookings: 302 0002

Saturday 22nd

Pick & Mix: Calle Latina

Aotea Centre, 50 Mayoral Drive

11 am. Free. An exciting musical hybrid of Latin, Reggae, Salsa and more. Once the rhythm has got you, you'll learn the moves too. More info: 307 5435

Sunday 23rd August

Howick Plunket Baby Fair

Howick Recreation Centre,
563 Pakuranga Rd, Howick

10am - 12 noon. Entry by gold coin donation. Come along for great bargains on new and used baby/children's books, clothes, toys, nursery items and accessories and much more. More info: Laura - 576 5399 or www.howickplunket.org.nz.

Saturday 29th(and Sunday 30th)

'Massive Company' Theatre Workshops

Corban Estate Arts Centre

10am - 5pm. FREE. Suitable for 15 - 25 years. The workshop will give an introduction to the techniques and exercises that Massive Company use when devising theatre. It will be highly physical and lots of fun. No previous experience required, just the willingness to try anything and to work with new people. More info: www.massivecompany.co.nz or 369 1864.

Sunday 30th

Po Kung Fu Panda Show

Centre Court, Westfield Manukau City Shopping Centre. Corner Wiri Station Road and Great South Road

11am and 1pm. Free. Great entertainment for all ages, heaps of prizes to be win. Don't miss the amazing characters live in action. More info: Monya van Wyk - 978 5310 or www.westfield.com/manukau.

Colic

2009-07-28T16:46:00.005+12:00

My baby has colic. What can I do?

As if those first 3-4 months of parenting are not difficult enough with frequent feeds and lack of sleep - a baby with colic seems inconsolable and it is simply an exhausting, stressful time for parents, who wonder if they will ever survive their way through it.

Colic is sharp abdominal pain/cramps babies experience in their digestive system. It may take a few days or weeks for babies to develop colic, but it can continue right through until they are 3-4 months old, (when their digestive system has developed sufficiently to cope) by which time it normally begins to resolve. Your baby may experience constipation or have a change in colour in their stools. Usually their body language will be the best giveaway: pulling their knees up towards their chest (or even stretching them out) and crying.

You may find that your baby experiences a pattern of colic - often worse at night. Or perhaps your baby experiences it throughout the day. Here are some things that you can try:

If you are breastfeeding: try eliminating foods that disagree with you and consider the foods that you eat a lot of in terms of elimination in case it is affecting your baby. Also consider eliminating foods that have been known to cause colic, such as milk/dairy products, alcohol, tea, coffee, spices (including chillies and pepper), onions, garlic, broccoli, cabbage, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, capsicums, strawberries, oranges, grapes. Sometimes egg whites or fruit with stones (eg. cherries, apricots) can also be to blame. You may like to eliminate these one-by-one to identify what might be the main culprit. Don’t allow your baby to become too hungry before breastfeeding, otherwise he/she may gulp air prior to feeding. Try different feeding positions so that your baby is not swallowing both milk and air at the same time.
If you are bottlefeeding: your baby may be swallowing air when feeding. Try finding a teat with a smaller hole (for a young baby) or a bigger hole (for an older baby) There are teats that are sold particularly for babies with colic. There is also on the market formula for babies with colic. Your baby may have trouble with dairy products, so it might be worth discussing with your doctor, midwife or plunket nurse the idea of trying a soy-based formula to see if this might make a difference. Just like breastfeeding mothers, try different feeding positions so that your baby is not swallowing both milk and air at the same time.Offer a dummy after feeding time. The sucking motion can assist your baby’s digestive system, and is soothing.
Frequent feeding may be something you need to consider when your baby has reflux (we will discuss reflux next week), but it’s worth noting that when you have a baby with colic, it can be tempting to offer a feed in order to comfort your baby - but frequent feeds can cause continuous discomfort due to being overloaded with milk. Try other ways to comfort your baby.
Comforting your baby instead of feeding: place your baby in a swing, go for a drive in the car, walk or rock your baby, offer a dummy or your finger at the roof of your baby’s mouth to suck (which in turn helps the digestive system as indicated above), play relaxing music. It’s difficult, but try to relax as much as you can although your baby is clearly distressed. If you become distressed, your baby will only become more uptight.
Positioning & burping: burp your baby more often - and always after a feed, carry baby upright over your shoulder so baby’s tummy is lengthened, or try lying baby across your lap while rubbing baby’s back. Sometimes pressure helps colic: try a rolled up towel on your lap and placing baby’s tummy across it. On the other hand - pressure can also aggravate colic, so placing baby instead over your knees so there is no pressure on your baby’s stomach may be something you might like to try instead.
Treatment: You could try some homeopathic remedies for colic (found in your local pharmacy) or fennel seed /dill tea. Be careful with gripe water as it may contain alcohol.
Bowel Movements: Sometimes colic precedes a bowel motion from your baby. You can help by massaging your baby’s stomach in a gentle, circular clockwise motion or hold your baby in a semi-squatting position, pulling baby’s knees up gently while baby’s back rests against your stomach.
Looking after Yourself: When your baby is not crying with colic, make sure you take some time out for yourself. Get some rest, do something you enjoy. A baby who cries continuously is draining, so you must get help and support so that you can take time out away from baby - leave the house and have some time out on your own or with good friends/family to revitalise you. Don’t try and cope with this on your own.
Warning Signs: See your doctor if colic persists - especially inconsolable crying (where your baby simply cannot be consoled no matter what you try). Also see your doctor if colic is accompanied with vomiting, diarrhoea, constipation or dry nappies.

Dummies, Bottles & Blankets?

2009-07-21T16:28:00.005+12:00

What is your opinion on babies/children having dummies (pacifiers), bottles or blankets for comfort?

There is a lot of opinion out there on this topic - so it is a great question. Research shows that dummies (or pacifiers) could actually help prevent cot death (SIDS). However, it is recommended they are not given up to newly born babies until they have perfected sucking when breastfeeding, and are able to suck/breastfeed effectively, otherwise, problems with breastfeeding might occur. My personal viewpoint on dummies is that they are useful for helping babies learn how to self-soothe when going to sleep - or if they wake up and need to return to sleep. It also may help to soothe an awake distressed baby - the sucking motion actually helps babies with colic and it is comforting. What I don’t agree with is dummies used for large amounts of time during a baby/child’s ‘awake time’. It inhibits their communication to you - which initially is crying/grizzling, then becomes baby noises and words. By ‘plugging up their mouths’, we may be delaying their speech/language development.

We have discussed the stage in a baby’s life that might be a good time for a dummy/pacifier to be introduced - but when is a good time to stop? My advice would be to start weaning them from their dummy between 9 - 12 months. During that time, I would restrict the use of their dummy to bedtime only, and at the same time, ensure good sleep habits are in place (see our previous advice on sleep).

If dummies are continued after this age, two things can happen; a real dependence on the dummy from your child that creates a habit that is difficult to break, and the older your child gets, the more the dummy starts to cause your toddlers mouth to form abnormally and cause speech problems.

If I’m honest, I’m not a huge fan of comfort blankets, but some mothers prefer them to dummies. My only advice would be that you do not offer the blanket to your child for comfort unless it is bedtime/they are in bed. Secondly, that you do try to wean them (once they are breastfeeding effectively) from it at a similar stage as you might wean a baby from a dummy. Otherwise, you will face ongoing battles as your child gets older.

With regards to bottles, Plunket advise that they are exchanged for ‘sippy cups’ by age 12 months. This is to aid their development. Personally, since children this age are now drinking from this kind of cup during the day (mostly water), I don’t see any problem with offering a bottle to a baby as part of their relaxing bedtime routine. However, at some stage between 12 and 18 months, this needs to be exchanged for a cup if you still want your child to be having drinks before bed (not a good idea if you’re potty training when they reach 2 years old!)

Again, if you leave it any later than this, their understanding grows. I have seen 3 and 4 year old children still having a bottle before bed an their parents giving it in order to avoid the battle that ensues! Don’t create that situation for yourself - it’s easier to wean them while they’re still young.

However, if your child is well into toddler hood, still with a dummy, comfort blanket or depending on night time bottles, and you’d like to know the best way to get rid of them, I cannot fault television’s super nanny and her technique for bundling these items up with your child and offering them to the fairies in exchange for a fairy present (something they really want). I have seen lots of variations of this, and if done in a positive way with lots of praise, it seems to work. An alternative might be a reward chart - bet either way, a child at this stage needs an incentive to give up their most loved item!

Sleep Part 3

2009-07-15T08:47:00.003+12:00

We’re having problems getting our toddler to go to bed at a reasonable time - in his own bed. What are your recommendations?

Similar to babies, toddlers also need a nice, calm routine in the evening. There is no point expecting a child to be ready for bed after lots of raucous fun and activity. Also watch their diet - have they filled up on sugar or junk food in the evening? After dinner, have a calming routine that is the same or similar every night, such as a warm bath, stories, kisses and cuddles, then bed. It will also help to talk to your child, explaining in advance what will happen so they are prepared, eg. “We’re going to have a nice warm bath, then you can choose two stories, then it’s bedtime.”

Decide on what is a reasonable hour for your family. This may range from 6:30 - 8pm. As your child goes through to a school age, you might allow an 8:30/9pm bedtime before they enter Intermediate School. But unless it’s a rare occasion or school holidays, you are not doing yourself or your child any favours by putting them to bed later in the evening. Your child needs a lot of sleep, and are usually early-risers having to get up for morning activities such as kindergarten or school. If they are tired, it won’t help their development or their concentration when learning, and you may find their behaviour improves drastically just by putting them to bed earlier in the evening.

Ideally, good sleep habits need to be developed in your child’s first year of life. If that hasn’t happened, you have a bigger and louder child to deal with, which makes your job a lot more difficult. Many families have a battle with their child going to bed at night. It is unpleasant and exhausting, and can interfere with your relationship with your husband/partner if they are climbing into your bed in the middle of the night, or refusing to go to sleep anywhere but with you. The more firm you are early on, the easier this habit will be to break.

There are two ways to help your child go to sleep at a reasonable time in their own bed. There is the long, “easy” way - or the short, “difficult” way. The first is that you remain in your child’s room, returning them to their bed each time they get out, and after your first initial kisses, cuddles and ‘goodnight’, you do not speak or interact with them - even to tell them off. At this point, your actions speak louder than words, and if you engage with your child vocally, the message is not heard! This option may be easier for parents because they may feel there is less distress from the child since you are present in the room, and you don’t leave until your child is asleep. The alternative is that you don’t stay in the room, but you do return your child to their bed if they come out. This option can have its benefits in the long run because in my experience, your child gets the message quicker since they have less of your attention.

It can be an exhausting, upsetting experience for everyone concerned, but it is temporary, and the benefits far outweigh the process in my opinion - not only for you, but also for your child.

It will require agreement from both parents/caregivers so they can lend support to one another. It will also require strength, being firm, and a determination to see it through. I would recommend parents take turns putting your child to bed alternate nights - it is too confusing for a child if you take turns returning your child to his/her bed. Your child may run to the other parent during this time. It is important that the other parent does not get involved or engage with the child, but only lends support to their partner, when the cihld is out of the room - hugs and words of encouragement help tremendously!

And it’s important to remember that the more firm you are, the more you stick to your plan, the fewer nights you will have to do this. If it takes more than a few nights for your child to go calmly into their bed and stay there until they’re asleep, it may be that you have engaged with your child or not remained firm with them.

Be encouraged - the goal is the prize!

Sleep Part Two

2009-07-08T12:53:00.002+12:00

Can you explain more about the timing of the routine and how to move my baby into it?

In our last ‘Question of the Week’ we discussed how to get our babies off to sleep and how to create a routine that your baby recognizes. In terms of setting a routine, the first thing you need to establish is the frequency of feeds your baby requires. As an example, your baby might be into 4hrly feeds. An example of your day ideal routine might go as follows:

7am Feed
8am Awake time
9am Sleep
10:30am Wake
11am Feed
12 midday Awake time
1pm Sleep
3pm Wake
3:30pm Feed
4:30pm Awake time
5pm Possible nap (if your baby is young and needs it)
5:45pm Wake/Awake time
7pm Feed
8pm Sleep
11pm Wake for a feed
3am Your baby may wake for a feed

Although these awake/sleeping times are good, you can adjust this kind of routine to suit your baby and your household, for instance you might have school children to pick up at 3pm, so you may have to put the baby down for their 2hr afternoon nap a little earlier so that you can pick up your other children.

As your baby gets older and requires less feeds, you may increase your morning nap to 2hrs (later you’ll reduce this morning nap until your baby is just having an afternoon nap - relish the afternoon nap as long as possible!) and drop the 5pm nap. And when your baby is sleeping through the night, you can drop the 3am and 11pm feeds so that baby sleeps approximately 12hrs.

Things that influence your baby’s sleep patterns: growth spurts - so that your baby is waking more often and needing more feeds at that time (go with it - your baby needs it!), starting solids, colic, reflux, a change in routine - such as family coming to stay, outings you might plan that interrupt the routine and so on. Your baby’s routine is not fixed in concrete! If you or your baby needs to change things temporarily, that is part of life! But aim to get back into baby’s routine once everything has settled down.

Tips for helping baby into a routine such as this one:
1. Gradually move baby into the routine, even if it is simply 15-30mins each day moving into the routine you have chosen based on baby’s feeding and sleeping needs
2. Keep a record of baby’s sleep/feed/wake times to help you to gradually move them into that routine
3. If baby is hungry, try a bottle of warmed, sterelised water to keep baby going even if it’s just for 15 minutes. But be prepared: baby might get cross at this! Obviously don’t keep a baby hungry for the sake of a routine, an empty belly is not a nice experience for a little baby!
4. Don’t be afraid to put them down a little earlier or a little later for sleep to get them heading towards their routine. And don’t be afraid to wake them so that they will settle into a routine. Try opening their door and leaving it open when it’s time to wake so they may wake naturally - but if that doesn’t work, it’s okay to pick them up. This is part of helping baby into a routine, and is necessary if this is the way you have chosen for yourself and your baby.

The benefits of having a baby in a routine are:
Ÿ as a mother, you feel more on top of whether your baby is getting sufficient sleep and sufficient feeds
Ÿ when your baby is crying or grizzling, it is not such a guessing game as to what they need
Ÿ you can plan your day more easily, knowing your baby’s needs and sleep patterns
Ÿ you can find time for a nap yourself because you know how long baby might be asleep for, and your sleep will be less broken - you’ll feel more rested

Sleep Part One

2009-07-01T15:32:00.002+12:00

I expected our baby to be sleeping through the night by now, and I am exhausted - is there anything we can do to help him get into a better sleep routine?

My first recommendation is to have a routine. The most ideal is the sleep-feed-wake/sleep-feed-wake routine. This is because it is good for your baby to get used to settling itself off to sleep when awake rather than feeding your baby to sleep before putting them to bed. The reason for this, is that they will often stir during their nap time, and if they have not learned to settle themselves off to sleep, they make wake prematurely, getting insufficient sleep.

Most parents agree that this is easier said than done! It is true, it does take some determination on your part, and the older your child gets, the more ingrained habits become (such as feeding your baby off to sleep) and the more difficult it is for you to change that habit. So it’s important that you get onto this routine as early as possible. There are two ways that I would recommend getting your baby off to sleep. The first is recommended by the Baby Whisperer which is called the Pat-Hush technique, which is quite self-explanatory. It means standing by your baby’s bedside soothing them while they remain in bed, until they drift off to sleep. The other technique is recommended by Plunket, which is that you allow your baby to cry, but you go in to soothe them (not picking them up and taking them out of their cot) every ten minutes, letting your baby know that you are still there and have not abandoned them - but it is time for bed! Your first day at this your baby may cry for up to an hour (if they are used to other ways of getting off to sleep, eg. being fed), with ten minute intervals of relief from your comforting/soothing them! But if you persevere, your baby will learn and you’d be surprised at how quickly this becomes a new pattern for them. The crying reduces and they fall asleep within ten minutes, then their crying becomes grizzles or even happy noises, and eventually your baby goes down in their cot quite happily. Of course, some parents may not agree with allowing their baby to cry, so in that case, they may prefer the Pat-Hush technique.

I would discourage you from getting into other habits such as rocking your child to sleep, as this causes an enormous burden for you - suddenly you have this baby that will only go to sleep if they are rocked. I have known parents who tell me their baby will only sleep if pushed in the pushchair, or driven around in the car! Usually these are desperate measures for very tired parents, who have stumbled across something that has actually worked and their baby has gone off to sleep - and therefore, they’ve found it “easier” to continue this habit. It is so important - for your sake, and your baby’s (so they get sufficient sleep) that you work through this process of teaching your baby to settle themselves off to sleep. Otherwise when you are out and about, visiting friends or family - you will have an overly tired, grumpy baby on your hands, which will make you and your baby miserable! Suddenly your life will completely revolve around your baby’s sleep issues - and this could carry on for the best part of your baby’s first year of life!

Another important aspect of routine is doing the same thing every night before bed. This might be a last feed for the day, a warm bath (relaxing baby bath oils are helpful), perhaps a story as baby gets older, kisses and cuddles, then bed. And try to keep your baby’s bedtime roughly the same. He/she may not know that it’s 7pm, but their body will get used to being awake for so many hours, and they will fall into a pattern of feeling tired leading up to that time and will recognize the signs that it is bedtime with a routine such as the above.

To read more about the Baby Whisperer’s advice on helping babies into a sleep routine - click on the following link: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/02/20/earlyshow/living/parenting/main1330940.shtml

Child Winter Illnesses

2009-06-23T00:06:00.001+12:00

Many parents feel unsure about when to be worried about their child’s symptoms, and when to take them to the doctor. We have grouped our questions of the week to cover some of the most common symptoms: Fever, Vomiting/Diarrhoea and Dehydration.

How Should I Care for my Child When They Have Vomiting/Diarrhoea?
If your child is hungry, avoid any food that would be high in fat/sugar, and instead opt for fairly bland food. Obviously maintaining fluids is the most important thing when it comes to a child having vomiting/diarrhoea. Fizzy drinks are a myth when it comes to settling a stomach! Avoid high sugar fluids including juice and instead give your child small sips of water every 5-10 mins as opposed to large amounts at one time. An electroyte replacement fluid called "Pedialyte" is available over-the-counter from your Pharmacist, however speak to your Pharmacist as to whether it is appropriate for the age of your child.

How Should I Treat my Child With a Fever?
Children can throw very high fevers for very mild illnesses. Pamol every 4hrs may help somewhat, but the best way of treating a fever is to cool your child down gradually and not too quickly. Having a tepid bath/shower used to be the advice nurses gave for bringing down a high temperature, but it is now recognised that a cool cloth to shoulders, neck or face is a better approach. Making sure they are dressed in very light clothing and have light blankets on their bed, is important. Often older children will complain that they feel freezing and will want to bundle on blankets and turn on heaters but this will only make their fever much worse. As their temperature drops, so their own body's mechanism for guaging temperature returns to normal. Remember to keep up their fluids with cool drinks, as children can become dehydrated with a temperature. Children who throw a temperature of 40C or who have what is known as 'febrile seizures' need to be seen by a doctor immediately.

What Causes Dehydration and What Are the Signs My Child Is Getting Dehydrated?
Your child can become dehydrated with any of the above conditions (vomiting and fever and especially diarrhoea) so it's important to keep up fluids if your child is experiencing any of these symptoms. Do seek urgent medical attention for your child if you've noticed a significant drop in wet nappies/toileting and if they do come across as very weak, lethargic/drowsy. If you're unsure or concerned, the best course of action to take is to seek medical attention.

For further health information and over-the-phone assessment:
Contact Healthline 0800-611-116

Your Children vs. Swine Flu

2009-05-06T10:29:00.000+12:00

There has been a lot of talk (some say hype) in the media about Swine Flu recently, and a lot of stories about other countries wanting to avoid New Zealand and New Zealanders visiting their country because of our incidences of Swine Flu.

As a parent, do you need to be concerned? What are the issues you need to be aware of? How do you protect your kids?

H1N1 (referred to as “swine flu” early on) is a new influenza virus causing illness in people. This new virus was first detected in people in the United States in April 2009. Other countries, including Mexico and Canada, have reported people sick with this new virus. This virus is spreading from person-to-person, probably in much the same way that regular seasonal influenza viruses spread. We don't yet know how contagious the virus is, but it is thought to spread the same way as the flu - through coughing and sneezing, or touching something by an infected person and then touching your nose or mouth.
The symptoms of this new H1N1 flu virus in people are similar to the symptoms of seasonal flu and include fever, cough, sore throat, runny or stuffy nose, body aches, headache, chills and fatigue. A significant number of people who have been infected with this virus also have reported diarrhea and vomiting. Also, like seasonal flu, severe illnesses and death has occurred as a result of illness associated with this virus.

Advice from the WHO is as follows:

If you are sick, stay at home and limit your contact with other people. Stay at home at least 7 days (may require a longer period of time for children) after the beginning of your symptoms.
Seek medical attention if you do get sick (phone your doctor as they may require that you stay at home with your child and they may do a home visit). There may be requirements of mask-wearing if attending your GP Practice or Pharmacy.
Careful hygiene and hand-washing are imperative whether sick or well
Stay away from sick people if you are not sick yourself - avoid crowds if you can
Using Tamiflu when you are not sick is not advisable by the WHO as it means that the virus may change and become difficult to treat
Improve air flow in your home by opening windows
There are medical treatments for this virus if you have it, so don't be overly worried. Cases in New Zealand are improving with treatment.

If you have any questions regarding the 'Swine Flu' - contact your GP or the Helpline given by the Ministry of Health (Healthline): 0800-611-116.

Emergency signs in children that require urgent medical/hospital attention are as follows:

Fast breathing or difficulty breathing
Bluish or grey skin colour
Not drinking enough fluids
Severe or persistant vomiting
Not waking or not interacting
Being so irritable the child does not want to be held
Flu-like symptoms improve but then return with fever and worse cough

Au Pair Specialists

2009-05-01T14:50:00.000+12:00

New Zealand Nannies International now specializes in placing Au Pairs with New Zealand families:

It's affordable: just $200-250pw which means it's the same price as daycare or after school care (cheaper if you have more than one child at daycare)
Hours can suit your schedule and can also include evening or weekend babysitting
Under 5yo's receive a free Early Childhood Educator to work alongside your Au Pair

We do all the work for you: screening and processing the applicants based on your preferences and specifications, and the Au Pairs can stay with you from 12-24 mths.

For more information about choosing an Au Pair to care for your children, please see our website: www.nznannies.org.nz or email us directly. We have Au Pairs available from the UK, USA, France, Germany, Italy and Spain.

Parents Struggling to Find After School Care

2007-12-27T10:57:00.000+13:00

In March 2007 the NZ Herald published an article titled "Parents struggle to find after-school care" - the full article can be viewed on our website www.nznannies.org.nz under "Articles". The introduction reads:

"Kaye Colebourn, a nurse, says that finding after-school care for her children Campbell, 9, and Cate, 5, is a real problem. Parents struggling to find after-school care for children are being turned away from private nanny agencies, as a shortage of carers after the 3pm bell worsens.
Top nannies now command up to $22 an hour, up from $10 a decade ago, and can pick and choose their jobs. Many school-based schemes have waiting lists of several years, despite a rise in the number of publicly supported programmes. Experts believe the demand for after-school care in Auckland is yet to peak. The Government is preparing a five-year action plan for the sector and admitted access to care was limited in some areas."

Before Northshore Nannies merged with New Zealand Nannies International, their experience was that the demand for after-school nannies was significantly higher than the available supply. There are a number of reasons, including the fact that there are a limited number of people available at that time of the day, and of those who are available, often their circumstances are transient and their schedule subject to change.

Our experience is that most nannies are looking for fulltime work, and even if they're open to the idea of choosing two part-time jobs to make up fulltime hours, the longer they have been nannying, the more they tend to prefer children under the age of 5. Personally, I have trouble with this because school age children, in my opinion, can be equally delightful as younger children for very different reasons. I personally enjoy the conversations I have had with school age children where I have been able to teach and impart important lessons in life (which is so rewarding), and have enjoyed elaborate imaginary play just to name a few!

Many of the families we have spoken to have chosen to get a nanny in preference to after-school or school holiday programmes so that their children are well cared for by someone with experience and maturity, are settled in their home environment (instead of a long day away from home) and have the opportunity to attend after-school activities such as sports and other interests.

I must say, when we were exhibiting at the latest Kids Fair, we knew on the Monday of the long weekend that we would expect high volumes of School Holiday Programmes - and I had mentioned to my assistant that we should see if we could find potential recruitment opportunities - that the supervisors might be interested in nannying. I soon changed my mind, however, when I saw the supervisors in charge of all these children - I'll be honest, I was shocked at those who were "in charge". Their age, maturity and lack of responsibility were clear - and it was no surprise when we had a high number of "lost children" to care for due to the lack of full care and attention they gave to those in their care.

While there are, without question, some good after-school and school holiday programmes, there are a large number that (in my opinion) leave a lot to be desired. And perhaps it is the better ones that are experiencing such a long waiting list as this article has indicated is beginning to happen.

After-school and school holiday care is certainly a problem for working parents, particularly as the demand for nannies and prices of those nannies are becoming so competitive.

Our solution to the problem is to suggest to families that they consider getting an Au Pair. Finding an Au Pair from overseas to join the family is still a new phenomenon to New Zealand families, but it is a growing trend for a multitude of reasons. While many believe that it is not worth their while to get an Au Pair because they only need After School childcare and not fulltime care, the price is on par with a part-time NZ Nanny. The going rate for a nanny is between $15-18/hr (although experienced nannies are now beginning to expect $18-22/hr). Most families needing after-school care require 15hrs/week. Even at the lowest rate, this means a minimum of $225/week paid to the nanny. Au Pairs do require free board given to them, however their weekly charge through our agency is $250/week.

If you have the room in your home for an Au Pair, we highly recommend that you consider this as a relief to the ongoing After-School/School Holiday headache. They will stay with your family for a minimum of 12 months, by which time you might organise another Au Pair to replace them, they are affordable, and they are available for up to fulltime hours (helpful during school holidays or when children are home sick from school), and their weekly rate includes several nights of babysitting for you while you and your partner might spend the evening out! Please see our website for more information if this is a solution that interests you: www.nznannies.org.nz

In the meantime, please participate in our poll and feel free to add your comments here on your experience of after-school care or school holiday programmes, your thoughts on Au Pairs from overseas countries and how your family has coped with your childcare needs and solutions you've come up with.

Kristina Strom

2007-10-01T01:05:00.000+13:00