Self-Care for Parents

Becoming a parent has been so stressful and drains all my time and energy - there never seems to be any time for me. Do you have any advice?

It’s a huge adjustment becoming a parent - our focus goes immediately to our children because their needs and dependence are completely reliant on our responses. This can be overwhelming and the changes that take place in terms of our time and energy are considerable. However, it is important to realise that in order to be a good parent to our children, it is vital that we take our own needs into account as well as our child’s. There is no such thing as perfect mothering - but in order to achieve good mothering, all the family’s needs - including your’s - need to be balanced, and your children will benefit from your own needs being met, in that they will have a happier, more fulfilled mother attending to them.

First, begin to identify your needs and address them. Your needs are physiological: good nutrition, exercise, adequate rest. Your needs are mental and psychosocial: pursuing interests, socializing, time alone/having a break. Your needs are spiritual: participation in a church community or in prayer/meditation, spending time in nature - whatever feeds your spirit. It is true that there are times where some of those needs are temporarily sacrificed, such as sleep when caring for a newborn baby - but even then there is a lot that we can do to care for our own needs during that time. For instance, negotiating help from other people to attend to our housework and meal preparation so that we can sleep while the baby sleeps or take some time out.

Here are some tips for taking care of yourself and achieving balance where all family’s needs can be met:

• Don’t be a martyr - martyrs don‘t make good mothers. Remember that whatever is gained in giving in this way, is taken away with guilt
• Write down 5 interests, pursuits or hobbies that are important to you to maintain after childbirth (if you are pregnant) or that used to be important to you that perhaps you’ve lost over the years or given up since you became a parent. Make these goals that you would like to somehow integrate with your parenting. Discuss with your partner how you might find ways to integrate them (in terms of childcare and time management)
• Ask for and accept help from others
• Pamper yourself: it doesn’t have to be expensive! Turn your bathroom into a ‘home spa’ with flowers, candles, essential oils, bath salts, relaxing music, and enjoy the relaxation of a sublime soak
• Fit in even 15 minutes a day for your own time: journaling, meditating, reading a magazine with a cup of coffee, or just being alone with your own thoughts. Take the phone off the hook!
• ŸFind ways of incorporating into your day, things that you enjoy. It might be where you choose to go for a walk with your baby in the pushchair (eg. around the shops, through a beautiful park/reserve), it might be that you go to a child-friendly café to have coffee with a friend while your children play together on the playground.
• Spend time socially with others. It may be that you find this through playgroups or coffee groups - but don’t limit your socializing just to these, although there may be seasons where this is the only possibility. Remember your goals and pursue interest groups with other adults so that you have some ‘adult-time’ where the activities and conversation do not revolve around your children
• Say no to demands that compromise your needs and your children’s needs. If you don’t learn how to say no to your children or to others, you are going to seriously burn yourself out
• Discuss fears and concerns/anxieties about finances, loss of previous lifestyle, or the blending of your career and family with your partner - or find a support group (or coffee group) where you can talk out some of these issues with other mothers who can relate to your experience
• If you have made goals to make some lifestyle changes so that you can attend to your needs that have been neglected, don’t forget to discuss your plans with your partner and your children. By explaining your need to change some things, you are going to avoid any unnecessary backlash/protests that might dissuade you from following through with your goals. Recognize, however, in order for there to be a balance in the family of needs being met, there will no doubt need to be a compromise. That compromise should not always be on your part, but ought to be shared
• Sometimes it can be easy to focus on the difficulties parenting and raising children brings. Spend some time considering why you wanted to become a mother, and what pleasures being a parent brings you. For instance, it may have given you an enormous capacity to love that you did not possess prior to having children!

Often what drives mothers/parents to neglect their own self-care is a list of “shoulds” that berate them mentally about what a “good parent” is. We need to challenge those thoughts. If we continue in our martyr role, not only do we become tired, stressed and resentful which obviously affects our ability to parent well - we are also a role model to our children about how we value and take care of ourselves and therefore, how they should take care of themselves when they are an adult and a parent. It’s important that we spend the energy finding a way to take care of ourselves while being a parent not only for our sake, but so that we are teaching our children that it is good for them to take care of themselves, too.

Fighting Fair When Our Kids are Around

I’m concerned our kids might be affected by our arguing - what can we do?

Research has shown that children growing up amongst conflict such as violence/abuse but also including shouting/arguing are more likely to have mental health problems, learning difficulties, behavioural problems, abusive relationships, a tendency towards criminal activities, addiction to drugs and alcohol and suicidal thoughts. The reason for this is because their brain develops in a different way to a child who is not over-exposed to conflict. So it is certainly a serious issue, and it’s good to be aware of this and to take steps to protect our children. So how can we “fight fair” to prevent our children from suffering any ill effects?

The first step we can take is to avoid conflict escalating into arguing, shouting or worse. It’s helpful to remember our circumstances and how they affect our ability to communicate with our partner. For instance, sleep deprivation or changes in our family circumstance places extra stress and strain on us. It’s at times like this that we can have a tendency to “turn on each other” and become snappy simply because of being tired or stressed. It’s in those times that we should try to make more of an effort to control the urge to snap, and instead find times and ways that you might be able to talk out issues together, communicate needs, and find solutions that would help improve the situation.

Tips for avoiding arguments:

• Assign ‘baby care’ and household duties. When partners know what’s expected of them, things run more smoothly, so discuss these and be prepared to review them if it’s not working
• Start a discussion at the right time - not in the “heat of the moment”. Wait till you’ve calmed down and you have the energy and space to discuss it properly
• Listen to your partner’s concerns without cricising them
• Be honest but sensitive with how you word things
• Try and use “I” statements rather than “You” statements, eg. “I feel… because…” rather than “You always do this…”
• Try to keep focused on the issue rather than bringing up old ground (historical issues)
• Try to be clear about exactly what is upsetting you rather than being vague or trying to make your partner guess what is wrong because you’re too afraid to be honest
• Steer clear of generalisations such as “you’re always..” or “you never”. Try and put the emphasis on the action that you don’t like rather than making it personal. Make “neutral comments” rather than attacking the other person’s character
• Avoid swearing or name-calling

If you do happen to argue in front of your children, there are ways in which you can deal with it in a way that helps:

• Try and keep the above “conflict rules”
• Positive arguing can in fact teach children how to resolve conflict - remember that you are a role model to them - modelling childhood and adult relationships and what is “OK”
• Make sure your child sees you apologize to each other after the fight
• Be honest about your fighting. There is no use denying that there is a problem or pretending everything is OK. Children can become very anxious around conflict. Discussing/addressing it with your children helps relieve some of that anxiety. If your children have witnessed you arguing and not “fighting fair”, it is helpful to explain to your children what you did wrong and that you are sorry and what you intend to do to prevent it from happening again

Spring School Holiday Family Events around Auckland

School holidays are coming up, and I know how tricky it can be to come up with fun activities to do with the kids every day while trying to avoid the “I’m bored” tantrums! The most important thing to remember is to plan. Sit down with the kids and talk about what they would like to do, and try to incorporate these ideas into the plan. Structure is important to children so having a list of what you are going to do over the holidays will be really helpful in this aspect.

The 2009 Spring school holidays are from September 26^th – October 11^th.

Here is a list of some ideas of activities you can do with the kids, whether you are a nanny, Au Pair, a parent or family member caring for children at home. There are plenty of opportunities and ideas available for being active and having fun with the kids over the school holidays!

Get Outdoors

There are heaps of outdoor activities you can do for very little or no cost. The Spring weather can be changeable, so take advantage of any sunny days to get out and about. You can go for a picnic, to play at the park, to the beach, and for older children there are plenty of trails and cycle trails all around New Zealand. In Auckland, find a list of local walking trails ranging from 30 minutes to several hours at the Auckland City Council website: http://www.aucklandcity.govt.nz/whatson/places/walkways/default.asp

Plant Veges

This is a great option for the Spring school holidays – it’s the perfect time to plant easy to grow vegetables like lettuce and tomatoes. You can incorporate into this education about food and nutrition, and it will also save money on your grocery bill!

Play

Dust off the old board games, have a waterfight on the warm days, unleash your creativity with drawing and painting, bake something yummy together, make homemade playdough, play make-believe (for example, kids love playing shopkeeper!) – the opportunities for play are endless. These options are great for those days where the weather is not ideal for getting out and about.

Get Out and About

There are plenty of no-cost places to go in your city. There are museums and art galleries in most of the main centres which are free (or ask a small donation) for entry. Most towns in New Zealand have a public library with great books for kids of all ages. There are also options which cost a bit, so if you feel like splashing out you can visit the zoo, and in Auckland there is of course Rainbow’s End and MOTAT. There are also public pools, some which are indoors, eliminating the need to wait for a sunny day – in Auckland, find a list of public swimming pools at the Auckland City Council website: http://www.aucklandcity.govt.nz/council/services/recreation/default.asp

Here is a list of some upcoming events during the Spring school holidays in the Auckland region:

Wonderland: Mystery of the Orchid (runs until 12th October):

Auckland Museum, The Domain,
Parnell - Special Exhibitions Hall

Adults: $8, Children: Free. The Mystery of the Orchid is an experience best described by that popular adage of Lewis Carol's Alice: "Curiouser and curiouser!" Don't miss it. More info: www.aucklandmuseum.com

'90° South - Edmund Hillary at the Pole 1957-8' (runs until January 2011):

MOTAT, Great North Road, Western Springs - Logan Campbell Building

10am - 5pm. Our Sir Edmund exhibit tells the story of his extraordinary Commonwealth Trans-Antarctic Expedition and features one of MOTAT's most treasured artefacts - Sir Ed's modified Ferguson tractor. More info: www.motat.org.nz.

Starlight Express:

Vector Arena

Tickets from $45. Andrew Lloyd Webber's 'Starlight Express' - one of the most successful musicals of all time, visits New Zealand for the first time since opening in London in 1984. The story follows a child's dream in which his toy train comes to life; the show is unique as all performers are on roller skates. More info: www.starlightexpressnz.com.

Magic Show - Monday 28th September (runs until 10th October):

Centre Court, Westfield Manukau City Shopping Centre. Corner Wiri Station Road and Great South Road

11am and 1pm. Free. Great entertainment for all ages, heaps of prizes to be win. More info: Monya van Wyk - 978 5310 or www.westfield.com/manukau.

Auckland Heritage Festival (19 September to 4 October 2009):

Auckland Heritage Festival is a celebration of our city's heritage that involves a programme of 150 exciting, diverse and interactive events. To download a programme, click the following link: http://www.aucklandcity.govt.nz/whatson/events/heritage/docs/programme2009.pdf

Snake and Lizard:

The PumpHouse Theatre, Killarney Park,
off Manurere Ave, Takapuna

10.30am and 1pm daily. Earlybird special: 28th and 29th Sept: $16; Family Pass: $70; Single: $20. Tim Bray's adaptation of Snake and Lizard, by Joy Cowley, which was the winner of the 2008 New Zealand Post Book Awards. It's a funny tale of two very unlikely new best friends. More info: 489-8360 or www.timbrayproductions.co.nz.

Howick Plunket Seminars - Exercise for Mums and Bubs (Friday 2^nd October):

Configure Express, adjacent to the Foodcourt at Westfield Pakuranga

11am. Gold coin donation. Configure Express will take Mums and Bubs for a tour of the gym and then demonstrate some exercises Mums can do with their Bubs to benefit their bodies post-pregnancy. Children welcome, morning tea provided. More info: Rochelle - 533 7852 or www.howickplunket.org.nz.

Jack & The Beanstalk (Saturday 3^rd October):

Logan Campbell Centre, ASB Showgrounds, Greenlane Rd West

10am, 1pm and 4pm. Family Pass: $30. Live theatre exposes children to new levels of creativity and imagination. Exciting children's activities like face painting, freebies, photo session with the cast, etc… More info: 361 4500 or www.southernstars.org.nz

Behavioural Problems, Tantrums & Discipline

Question of the Week: Our daughter’s behaviour has been so difficult and we have tried everything we know to deal with it, but nothing has worked. Do you have any suggestions?

Discipline has been a ‘hot topic’ in our country of late with the Anti-Smacking Law remaining despite the results of the referendum, and the heated debates we have had between our politicians and between us as families with varying opinions, as it strikes at some of our core family values. But we’ll get to discipline a little later. First, let’s look at the reasons why our children might be throwing tantrums or being difficult in their behaviour.

There are so many reasons why our children start to behave in this way. It may be a combination of our child exercising their desire to be independent or expressing their personality (you might have heard of the “terrible twos” for instance - because the ages of 2-4yo is where developmentally children are wanting to find a bit of independence). It may be that we have not known how to discipline our child at all, or tried different ways and given them up quickly, believing they have not worked, or not had the strength to follow it all the way through. It may be that your child is simply wanting more attention from you, and the way they have discovered they get that is to throw a tantrum or behave in such a way that you will notice. Or it may be that there are problems in the family, in the home or at school, and without knowing how to communicate their feelings, your child has simply acted out their anger or fear with their behaviour - their way of saying “something is wrong!” While we can’t fully address all of these issues, we would like to give you some tips on each of them.

Step One: Boundaries

The first thing you must do as parents is to discuss what your boundaries are and how you are going to respond if they are crossed by your child (we will give you some ideas on how you can respond a little later). It’s so important that you agree as parents as to your approach and work consistently as a team. If one of you does not agree with the boundary or the response, then the exercise is futile - your child’s behaviour will not change and she/he will become confused when one parent is allowing behaviour while the other is not. It’s important to discuss what you both feel is unacceptable behaviour. Don’t assume that you both will reach the same conclusion about what is unacceptable - all of us come from different families with different parenting styles and one of us might just feel it’s best to “let it go” while the other may feel it is important to address the behaviour.

Once you have agreed what is unacceptable behaviour and how you will both respond to it, it’s important to be consistent. Make sure that the response you have chosen is something that you are both comfortable carrying out. If it’s not, then it will make the situation worse. Your child loses respect for your authority and stops paying attention to your words if they become idle threats that you don’t follow through on.

Step Two: Be Consistent

There is no point in carrying out discipline some of the time in response to behaviour, but not others (because you are too tired or the circumstances would not allow for it, eg. at someone else’s house or at the supermarket. Again, inconsistency undermines your authority as a parent and your child will continue to test the boundaries, knowing that sometimes she/he can get away with it.

Step Three: Don’t Give Up

There are times when, as a parent, you simply get exhausted with the process of addressing difficult behaviour with discipline. It takes an enormous amount of energy to persevere and remain consistent time after time - and it feels like an ongoing battle with your child. But don’t give up. Your child’s personality may have a very strong will, and if this behaviour has been allowed to continue for a long time, it will take some time for you to break it. There may be some other more positive tactics you might introduce alongside the discipline you have chosen that might help, but don’t chop and change the type of discipline you use - your child will only become confused. Just remember to balance your battles with times in the day where you simply enjoy your child. It is hard work for everyone concerned if the entire day is a battle between you.

Tips: Addressing the Cause of the Behaviour

• Find ways to talk to your child about their behaviour in a calm manner, asking them questions to help them think about why they do it. Obviously, their ability to think and reflect and respond will depend on their age, so you may need to help them with some of their words. Teach your children about their emotions and how it is okay to express it but encourage them to express their emotions in an appropriate way. Invite them to talk to you about their feelings. Discuss what is unacceptable behaviour. As your children get older and grow into teenagers, these discussions are the most important part of discipline - without it, our children grow to resent us and we begin to lose the relationship through lack of communication.
• If your child is at a stage where they are wanting to express some independence, find ways in which you can encourage and accommodate it. There are times where you can give way, such as allowing your child to choose what he/she will wear (or giving two choices if this ends up causing more problems!), helping you with the housework, or making small decisions such as what they will play with or where they might like to go on an outing.
• If your child is seeking attention from you - give it to them! Try ignoring bad behaviour and praising them as much and as often as possible for good behaviour. Set up a reward chart, and make a big deal of it, be consistent with it and put on your list of things they achieve the key issues that you are battling with your child on a regular basis. Don’t reward your child with a sticker (or tick or stamp) if they have not shown good behaviour in that particular area - your child knows when they haven’t, and it will just end up being another way of being able to get away with their behaviour and still be rewarded. Make sure that you are spending quality time with your child, giving them that undivided attention and praise and encouragement that they long for.

Tips: Discipline

• If difficult behaviour has become a pattern at certain times or during certain activities in the day, talk to your child about it in advance. For instance, you might say “we are going to have dinner now. I want to see you sitting nicely and using your manners.” (You might explain what using your manners means - addressing the behaviour you don’t like - such as using their knife and fork not their fingers, not talking with your mouthful, saying excuse me when other people are talking and you need to say something or waiting your turn etc.) Discussing activities and the behaviour you would like to see in advance helps children tremendously. Prevention is the key!
• There is some behaviour that you might decide as parents you are simply going to ignore, and praise good behaviour instead - and you may find this works well, and those behavioural problems just fade away. The wise saying “choose your battles” applies here - otherwise you will be battling your child all day long and everyone will be miserable. So decide what behaviour you can let go, and what behaviour you can’t.
• The tone of your voice and content of what you are saying is so important. When telling a child that you don’t like their behaviour and to stop it, there is a few things you need to do in order for your child to listen: 1) change the tone of your voice - if it’s the same tone that you use when you are talking normally or even praising your children, why would they stop and take notice? 2) don’t shout - apart from it creating a tense and aggressive atmosphere, children are emotionally affected by shouting and what’s more, they often don’t listen to it and instinctively know that you are wrong to do it - particularly as you don’t accept shouting from them, 3) change and lower your voice, remain calm but firm so your child knows that you mean it, 4) ask your child to come to you and get down on their level when addressing them about their behaviour - that way they realise that what you are saying is important and they will listen, 5) keep your instructions brief and use language your child understands - you might want to give a lecture on their behaviour (especially if it’s really made you mad!) but don’t complicate it, otherwise your child will become confused about what you are wanting
• Have you found yourself telling your child off all day long and using the word “don’t” 50x a day? Sometimes we find ourselves saying “don’t” or telling our child off automatically before they have even done anything wrong - perhaps pre-empting bad behaviour, but this is not helpful. Not only does this make life with your child an unpleasant one, your child simply becomes confused about right and wrong and stops listening to “constant telling off” so that when she/he does do something wrong, your correction may fall on deaf ears. If this is you, try to get “don’t” out of your vocabulary and instead ask your child for the behaviour that you want to see. When you do have to address a behaviour, make sure you follow it up with behaviour you would like to see, eg. “We do not take toys off other children. I want you to go and give that toy back to that child and to go and find another toy to play with.”
• When children cross the line and exhibit behaviour you have agreed is unacceptable, draw your child aside, speak with a low tone, say what you don’t like and what you would like instead briefly and clearly and give a warning about what will happen if they don’t stop that behaviour. It is important to give the warning every time in order to be consistent. If the behaviour continues, follow through so that your child knows they are not just idle words, and that when you speak to them about their behaviour, they need to listen and respect you.

Time-Out

• Time-out is a great way to discipline children at a certain age. This can start as young as 2 years old, and might continue through to 7 years old - or as long as it seems to make a difference. You might use the child’s bedroom for time-out (particularly if the child simply needs time to calm down) or, you might find that environment is too “rewarding” and instead use a “naughty step”, a “naughty corner” or a “naughty chair.” Whatever works for you and your child. You may have to try a few locations before you have one that works for you. I have had a child go into time-out in their bedroom only to discover they had jumped out the window! Time out in the bathroom didn’t work either, they unravelled the toilet paper and made a mess! I had to settle on a “naughty corner” where I could watch her, yet made sure that I was not engaging with her during the time that she was there.
• When putting a child into time-out, ensure you explain why you are putting them there. Put the timer on for the duration of how long they will be staying - the consensus is one minute for every year of their age, eg. 2 mins for a 2yo. Don’t speak to your child or engage with your child while they are in time-out, and make sure the rest of the family doesn’t either. If your child takes him/herself out of time-out before the timer has sounded or acts up in some other way, explain you are now restarting the timer because of this, and restart it. Do it over and over again (including putting your child back into the spot you have chosen them to go in for time-out) until they stay there. If they are calling out or trying to talk to you, ignore them. And if it carries on, explain that you are going to restart the timer and why. When time-out is up, go to your child and ask them why they were put there and ask them to apologise to you. Once they have said they are sorry for their behaviour, give them a reassuring cuddle to show them you still love them despite their behaviour!
• Don’t go on to talk to them/lecture them about their behaviour afterwards. They have experienced the consequence of their behaviour, let them now change it and enjoy the rest of the day. Use the time your child spends in time out to calm down from the anger it might have created in you. Sometimes you need time out as a parent when you feel angry with your child for their behaviour. Don’t carry your anger on into the rest of the day - deal with it, and then rise above it to be the positive parent your kids deserve.
• Time-out can be anywhere. Sometimes families are at a loss as to what to do when their child behaves badly in public, such as playgroup or at a playdate or at the supermarket/shopping mall. Choose a spot that is away from other people. It might be under a tree away from all the fun, or in another room of a person’s house. It might be abandoning your supermarket trolley, taking the child to “time out” in their carseat in the car, shutting the door for four minutes (or whatever the case might be) and waiting outside (with your back to them) until that time is up, then resuming your shopping.
• Time-out is not locking a child in a room for an indefinite period of time. This creates fear in a child, and can cause emotional damage.

Taking Away Privileges

• Before we discuss taking away privileges, it is important to determine what is a privilege and what is a need. Children have both physical and emotional needs. They have a need to be sheltered, fed and clothed, educated, nurtured, encouraged and loved. Withholding any of these, as we know, is abuse. So in terms of taking away privileges, this would not include, for instance that your child “goes without dinner.” It might include, however, “going without dessert.” One is a need, the other is a privilege. It’s important for us to recognise the difference. Often we see toys as being a need. On the one hand, it is a part of a child’s learning - so we would not take all toys away from a child as a punishment. On the other hand, it is a privilege that our child has a computer, a playstation, access to a television or dvd or any other toy that is special to them. When they are older, it is a privilege for our children to have a mobile phone or access to the internet or to go out with their friends in the evening/weekends, or to borrow the car and so on. Therefore, since it is a privilege, it is reasonable to expect our children to treat us and the things we have given them with respect.
• When time-out no longer works for your child due to personality or age, taking away privileges is another way of disciplining our children. The same process applies: the warning, the explaining and then the following through as well as the discussion afterwards and expecting an apology. It’s often helpful to take away a privilege that has caused the behavioural problem, eg. children fighting over a particular toy or “grounding” a teenager when they have engaged in an activity outside of the home that is unacceptable. This helps a child/young person to recognise that you have given them a privilege, and you expect them to treat that privilege with respect. Sometimes, though, behaviour does not involve a privilege (a toy or freedom you’ve given them) and taking away a privilege is then simply used as a punishment - a consequence of their behaviour.

Tantrums

• Tantrums are thrown by children to gain their parents’ attention and can start as young as 1yo! I have even had parents tell me that their baby less than 1yo had started to throw tantrums! It’s helpful to teach your children an appropriate way of seeking your attention and to prevent tantrums by giving your children quality time. But to stop your toddler having tantrums, the best thing that you can do is to ignore it. Ensure your child is safe (not near objects that could hurt or fall on your child), and then simply walk away and ignore it. You’d be surprised at how quickly the drama might stop when your child no longer has an audience! When you have a baby who throws him/herself back onto the floor (potentially hitting their head), clearly it would not be safe to simply leave them on their own and walk away - although once they‘re on the ground they may be safe to be left so long as they are not continuing to throw themselves back. You might choose instead to put them in their cot (on their soft cot mattress) and walk away, just standing outside the doorway waiting for it to stop - you don’t want your baby hitting his/her head on the cot rails and so on, so it’ s best to be within earshot, but enough of a distance that your baby realises they’re not getting the attention they’re looking for!
• Keep in mind, it might take some time for your child to realise that this is just not worth the energy. Eventually it will stop, if you don’t give attention to it. If you sometimes give attention to it, the tantrums will carry on a lot longer than they have to.
• Often children have extreme emotions that they don’t know what to do with. Over time, as parents, you will help them to learn other ways to express their emotions. In the meantime, we want the tantrums to stop.
• It is definitely challenging for parents when they are in a supermarket, a shopping mall, at someone else’s place or out and about in public when their child throws a tantrum. A lot of parents don’t know what to do, and it doesn’t help to get the “looks” from disapproving people around them (although the ones in the know usually give sympathetic smiles!) Here’s a few things that you can do: 1) Prevent the tantrum from happening: explain what behaviour you would like from them, involve your children in the experience (eg. helping put groceries in the trolley) so they are not bored, deal with difficult behaviour early on (eg. one warning then time-out in the car) so that it doesn’t escalate into a tantrum, 2) If you are in the shopping mall or the supermarket where there are a lot of objects and a lot of people, remain a safe distance away, don’t talk/engage with your child, wait till the tantrum is over, ignore the stares and looks, remember this stage will pass!! 3) If you feel your child is not safe, move unsafe objects away from your child or move your child to a safe place - not much fun having a kicking, screaming, struggling child in your arms, so only do this if you have to, 4) If you are in a supermarket/shopping mall and your child has just had a tantrum and you were unable to deal with it by walking away, you might choose to put them in time-out for their behaviour (eg. in their carseat in the car while you stand outside it with your back to your child) so that this kind of behaviour doesn’t continue while you try to finish your shopping, 5) If you are in a situation where you can simply walk away (because your child will be safe) - such as at another person’s house - then do it! Ask your friend whether you could both go into another room until the tantrum is over.
• Don’t stop your grocery shopping or your time with your friend because of your child’s behaviour - unless you know that your child is tired or hungry. If your child is bored, find ways to deal with that rather than simply returning home. You do need to listen to those needs, but otherwise their behaviour should not control your life. Your child needs to learn that you are the parent, and that their behaviour does not have the power to control you!

Parenting is not an easy job and behavioural problems and discipline is perhaps the hardest part about it - but we hope that you have found this advice helpful and we wish you the best with it!

Sibling Rivalry

Subject: Question of the Week: My firstborn is terribly jealous of the new baby. It’s started a whole lot of behavioural problems - what can we do?

Sibling Rivalry is something that can start even before a new second baby is born! It is particularly difficult, perhaps for a firstborn child who has had their parents’ undivided attention and have never had to share their parents’ attention prior to the new baby coming along. Newborn babies are particularly demanding of our attention - especially as a mother, and are completely dependent upon us. Furthermore, if you have a baby struggling with sickness or common problems such as reflux or colic, this will only demand more of your time - and time away from your other children. The result can be behaviour issues, and you feeling frustrated and exhausted being constantly pulled in different directions with demands for attention from your children.

We’d like to help you understand sibling rivalry, and give you some tips on what you can do to improve your family life in this area.

Understanding Sibling Rivalry & Factors that Influence It:

• Your Child’s Age: Your children have ever-changing emotional and physical needs depending on their age and stage of development. So consider their developmental stage when placing expectations on children - such as sharing toys. Parallel play (where children will play alongside each other with their own individual toys), for instance, rather than interactive play is common amongst young toddlers. School-age children strongly believe in fairness and equality and don’t understand different/preferential treatment. Teenagers may resent being asked to contribute to household chores and would prefer their own independence and finding their individuality outside of the family. If children are born fairly close in age, there may be limited understanding of the change that has taken place, and increased competitiveness.
• Your Child’s Temperament: How well your children get along can depend on their personalities. If both are strong-willed and want their own way, for instance, that is a recipe for some heated arguments! Whereas, if one is a strong leader, and the other more laid-back and willing to go along with others’ leadership, playtime may well be fairly peaceful.
• Sickness/Stress: Sometimes children act out if there is stress in the family that causes them to be afraid or unsettled, for instance, if the new baby is struggling with sickness.
• Role Models: If you and your partner deal with conflict in a respectful way, it serves as a role model to your children as to how to work out their differences. Not all conflict between you and your partner should be done behind closed doors, because it serves to teach your children this all-important lesson. However, if there is aggression/shouting when conflict occurs between you and your partner, of course this is behaviour your children will learn in how to deal with conflict. It’s the old saying of “do what I say, not what I do” - but children don’t work that way!

Welcoming a Second Baby

Your firstborn child (or previous children) may feel a range of emotions in response to a new baby’s arrival. From excitement to jealousy to resentment! Here are a few tips that you can use to help your child/children adjust. Try some of these tips according to what‘s suited to their age:

• You might like to buy a special baby doll that your child can have as “her baby” to care for when you have had your new baby. Encourage her to attend to her baby’s needs while you are attending to your’s. Or you might buy a special toy that your child can play with only when you are feeding the baby as a special treat.
• Involve your child in your baby’s care as much as possible, rather than exclude them. Find small ways in which they can help and feel included.
• There will be times, however, that you need space and time on your own with the baby. For instance, with a crying, wriggling wet/soiled baby, you might find it too stressful also dealing with a toddler at the same time. Or there may be times you would like to feed the baby in peace. Communicate in advance with your child what you want from them during those times, “eg. When mummy changes baby’s nappy, she would like you to go and play with something else until she is finished.” Then follow up with reminders like “We wait until mummy has finished changing baby and then we can talk to mummy, can’t we? So go and play now.” Every mother needs time and space at certain times of the day rather than juggling two or more children at once in order to manage and enjoy their time with their children. It’s okay to set these kinds of boundaries and expectations of what you are wanting at different times of the day. Work out what you need, communicate it with your children, and then keep to the boundaries so your children don’t become confused.
• Using role-play (often with a baby doll or soft toy like a teddy) or reading stories about a new baby’s arrival in the house are helpful.
• Explaining in advance what is going to happen when the new baby arrives helps a child to adjust. Equally, explaining what is going to happen in the day with the new baby, helps a child tremendously, eg. “When baby wakes up, I’m going to feed the baby, and that is your time to find something you like to play with. After that we will have some lunch and when the baby sleeps again, you and I will play a game together. Why don’t you choose now one game that you’d like to play with on your own, and one game you’d like to play with mummy?”
• Don’t introduce too many major changes, eg. toilet-training, or expect too much when an older child is still adjusting to the new baby’s arrival. It is a learning process for them.
• Arrange special one-on-one time with your older child/children, and make sure that they realise that this time is special so that they feel special. Use the time to do something your child is interested in, rather than simply running errands or arranging a play date. This time needs to be a time where your undivided attention is on your child, doing something that she/he is interested in and enjoys. This kind of attention is so important, and really is a key to helping your child adjust - particularly if you are experiencing real behavioural problems from your older child in relation to the new baby. Having your partner take over the care of the new baby while you spend time with your older son or daughter will help. And building one-on-one attention into your everyday as much as you can, is equally important - such as reading a bedtime story, or setting aside some time while baby is asleep instead of attending to household chores or other activities. It is a juggle, and should not be at the expense of your own wellbeing, but it helps!

What You Can Do When Kids Get Older:

• Model good, respectful ways of dealing with conflict between you and your partner as indicated above
• If you think that their behaviour may be associated with fear about the other child’s illness, talk to them about it and discuss ways she/he might be able to express that fear in a different way
• Encourage arguing children to resolve the matter themselves. It’s important for them to learn how to resolve conflict
• When you do have to step in (particularly if it has become a physical fight), separate your children until they are calm. Don’t try to figure out who was to blame or who started it - it always takes two people to cause a fight. However, discuss what happened once the children are calm and talk about other ways they could have resolved the conflict. Ask children to find a compromise where both can win, or if they are too young to do this, suggest one for them.
• If arguing/fighting is a common occurrence, communicate with your children before they start playing together what kind of behaviour you expect from them, and suggest how they might be able to resolve any potential conflict that arises (it may be that they may need some space from each other for a while if they‘re starting to get annoyed with each other). Communicate ground rules for play - what’s acceptable and what’s not.
• Address personality issues. For instance, if one child’s push for leadership makes the other child feel resentful and “bossed around”, talk to the first child about why that might annoy the other child, and ways in which that might play together instead (eg. taking turns at “being the Queen” or discussing and agreeing together on something they both want to play).
• Don’t get too caught up into the “fair” or “equal” trap. On the one hand, it is helpful to respect your children by listening to their objections if they don’t think that something is fair, and to consider what they are saying, and make adjustments if it is reasonable, However, children can drive their parents crazy trying to make everything equal and fair! Children do need to learn that there are times where a child might need extra help, attention or whatever the case may be.
• Don’t force your children to play together or be a tag-along all the time. Allow your children time to be on their own playing with their own toys or with their own friends.
• Spend one-on-one time with your kids doing things they are interested in. Communicate your love to them in their special love language (refer to our article on Love Languages of your Child). Have fun together as a family.
• Hold weekly family meetings with school-age children if arguing and fighting between siblings is an ongoing problem. And if the fights are generally around the same issue, find ways of setting limits. Toys and so on are a privilege, not a right - and so it is okay to expect certain behaviour in order to enjoy that privilege.

Reflux

My baby has reflux. What can I do?

Well first, it helps to understand what reflux is. When a baby has gastric reflux its when the valve at the top of the stomach doesn’t close properly. The contents of the baby’s stomach (food and digestive acids) are brought up/regurgitated so that the baby vomits/spills. The acid can burn and may cause the baby great discomfort and/or pain.

Symptoms may include:

• Distress during/after feeding
• Refusing to feed or comfort feeding (over-feeding otherwise unhappy)
• Irritability/fussiness
• Oversensitivity to noise due to tiredness
• May hold their head to one side to ease discomfit
• Spilling/vomiting
• Change in voice
• Upper respiratory infections/sore throats

There are lots of options for treatment depending on your baby’s circumstance. Some are medical interventions, and some are things you can try on your own. It’s important, however, to discuss your concerns and suspicions with your Plunket Nurse and your doctor. Your Plunket Nurse will offer helpful advice and but your GP is the only one who can formally diagnose your baby with Gastric Reflux.

Here are some things that you can do:

• Try a dairy-free diet for two weeks if you are breastfeeding
• Try a dairy-free formula for two weeks if you are bottle feeding or if that doesn’t work, a thickened formula
• Raise the head of the baby’s bassinette/cot by 30 degrees
• When feeding try a more upright position - this is especially achievable when bottle-fed. Baby can sit almost upright while being bottle-fed, and move the bottle’s angle to prevent baby from sucking in air.
• Use front packs, jolly jumper or exersaucer to keep baby upright during awake-times

If you are finding that your baby is still distressed, it may well be that your GP recommends medication. There are a number of medication options available which your GP can discuss with you. There are also a number of alternative therapies available that are herbal or homeopathic remedies. Some families choose to try Osteopathy and find this to be very effective, whereas others do not believe it to be beneficial. For more detailed information about Reflux and Treatment Options, we recommend the website “Crying Over Spilt Milk” http://www.cryingoverspiltmilk.co.nz

When to seek medical advice:

• If your baby is restless
• If your baby has sore ears
• If your baby has projectile vomiting
• If your baby has chronic wheezing
• If your baby has difficulty swallowing
• If your baby frequently has hiccups
• If your baby fails to thrive (growth measurements)
• If your baby has chronic coughing

Seek urgent medical attention if you have seen signs of dehydration (you are concerned about their decrease in feeds, they have reduced wet nappies or they seem lethargic - if your baby is floppy, go straight to the hospital), your baby has a high temperature nearing 40 degrees.

If you are unsure or concerned and you want to discuss your baby’s symptoms, call Healthline 0800-611-116.

Colic

My baby has colic. What can I do?

As if those first 3-4 months of parenting are not difficult enough with frequent feeds and lack of sleep - a baby with colic seems inconsolable and it is simply an exhausting, stressful time for parents, who wonder if they will ever survive their way through it.

Colic is sharp abdominal pain/cramps babies experience in their digestive system. It may take a few days or weeks for babies to develop colic, but it can continue right through until they are 3-4 months old, (when their digestive system has developed sufficiently to cope) by which time it normally begins to resolve. Your baby may experience constipation or have a change in colour in their stools. Usually their body language will be the best giveaway: pulling their knees up towards their chest (or even stretching them out) and crying.

You may find that your baby experiences a pattern of colic - often worse at night. Or perhaps your baby experiences it throughout the day. Here are some things that you can try:

• If you are breastfeeding: try eliminating foods that disagree with you and consider the foods that you eat a lot of in terms of elimination in case it is affecting your baby. Also consider eliminating foods that have been known to cause colic, such as milk/dairy products, alcohol, tea, coffee, spices (including chillies and pepper), onions, garlic, broccoli, cabbage, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, capsicums, strawberries, oranges, grapes. Sometimes egg whites or fruit with stones (eg. cherries, apricots) can also be to blame. You may like to eliminate these one-by-one to identify what might be the main culprit. Don’t allow your baby to become too hungry before breastfeeding, otherwise he/she may gulp air prior to feeding. Try different feeding positions so that your baby is not swallowing both milk and air at the same time.
• If you are bottlefeeding: your baby may be swallowing air when feeding. Try finding a teat with a smaller hole (for a young baby) or a bigger hole (for an older baby) There are teats that are sold particularly for babies with colic. There is also on the market formula for babies with colic. Your baby may have trouble with dairy products, so it might be worth discussing with your doctor, midwife or plunket nurse the idea of trying a soy-based formula to see if this might make a difference. Just like breastfeeding mothers, try different feeding positions so that your baby is not swallowing both milk and air at the same time.Offer a dummy after feeding time. The sucking motion can assist your baby’s digestive system, and is soothing.
• Frequent feeding may be something you need to consider when your baby has reflux (we will discuss reflux next week), but it’s worth noting that when you have a baby with colic, it can be tempting to offer a feed in order to comfort your baby - but frequent feeds can cause continuous discomfort due to being overloaded with milk. Try other ways to comfort your baby.
• Comforting your baby instead of feeding: place your baby in a swing, go for a drive in the car, walk or rock your baby, offer a dummy or your finger at the roof of your baby’s mouth to suck (which in turn helps the digestive system as indicated above), play relaxing music. It’s difficult, but try to relax as much as you can although your baby is clearly distressed. If you become distressed, your baby will only become more uptight.
• Positioning & burping: burp your baby more often - and always after a feed, carry baby upright over your shoulder so baby’s tummy is lengthened, or try lying baby across your lap while rubbing baby’s back. Sometimes pressure helps colic: try a rolled up towel on your lap and placing baby’s tummy across it. On the other hand - pressure can also aggravate colic, so placing baby instead over your knees so there is no pressure on your baby’s stomach may be something you might like to try instead.
• Treatment: You could try some homeopathic remedies for colic (found in your local pharmacy) or fennel seed /dill tea. Be careful with gripe water as it may contain alcohol.
• Bowel Movements: Sometimes colic precedes a bowel motion from your baby. You can help by massaging your baby’s stomach in a gentle, circular clockwise motion or hold your baby in a semi-squatting position, pulling baby’s knees up gently while baby’s back rests against your stomach.
• Looking after Yourself: When your baby is not crying with colic, make sure you take some time out for yourself. Get some rest, do something you enjoy. A baby who cries continuously is draining, so you must get help and support so that you can take time out away from baby - leave the house and have some time out on your own or with good friends/family to revitalise you. Don’t try and cope with this on your own.
• Warning Signs: See your doctor if colic persists - especially inconsolable crying (where your baby simply cannot be consoled no matter what you try). Also see your doctor if colic is accompanied with vomiting, diarrhoea, constipation or dry nappies.

Dummies, Bottles & Blankets?

What is your opinion on babies/children having dummies (pacifiers), bottles or blankets for comfort?

There is a lot of opinion out there on this topic - so it is a great question. Research shows that dummies (or pacifiers) could actually help prevent cot death (SIDS). However, it is recommended they are not given up to newly born babies until they have perfected sucking when breastfeeding, and are able to suck/breastfeed effectively, otherwise, problems with breastfeeding might occur. My personal viewpoint on dummies is that they are useful for helping babies learn how to self-soothe when going to sleep - or if they wake up and need to return to sleep. It also may help to soothe an awake distressed baby - the sucking motion actually helps babies with colic and it is comforting. What I don’t agree with is dummies used for large amounts of time during a baby/child’s ‘awake time’. It inhibits their communication to you - which initially is crying/grizzling, then becomes baby noises and words. By ‘plugging up their mouths’, we may be delaying their speech/language development.

We have discussed the stage in a baby’s life that might be a good time for a dummy/pacifier to be introduced - but when is a good time to stop? My advice would be to start weaning them from their dummy between 9 - 12 months. During that time, I would restrict the use of their dummy to bedtime only, and at the same time, ensure good sleep habits are in place (see our previous advice on sleep).

If dummies are continued after this age, two things can happen; a real dependence on the dummy from your child that creates a habit that is difficult to break, and the older your child gets, the more the dummy starts to cause your toddlers mouth to form abnormally and cause speech problems.

If I’m honest, I’m not a huge fan of comfort blankets, but some mothers prefer them to dummies. My only advice would be that you do not offer the blanket to your child for comfort unless it is bedtime/they are in bed. Secondly, that you do try to wean them (once they are breastfeeding effectively) from it at a similar stage as you might wean a baby from a dummy. Otherwise, you will face ongoing battles as your child gets older.

With regards to bottles, Plunket advise that they are exchanged for ‘sippy cups’ by age 12 months. This is to aid their development. Personally, since children this age are now drinking from this kind of cup during the day (mostly water), I don’t see any problem with offering a bottle to a baby as part of their relaxing bedtime routine. However, at some stage between 12 and 18 months, this needs to be exchanged for a cup if you still want your child to be having drinks before bed (not a good idea if you’re potty training when they reach 2 years old!)

Again, if you leave it any later than this, their understanding grows. I have seen 3 and 4 year old children still having a bottle before bed an their parents giving it in order to avoid the battle that ensues! Don’t create that situation for yourself - it’s easier to wean them while they’re still young.

However, if your child is well into toddler hood, still with a dummy, comfort blanket or depending on night time bottles, and you’d like to know the best way to get rid of them, I cannot fault television’s super nanny and her technique for bundling these items up with your child and offering them to the fairies in exchange for a fairy present (something they really want). I have seen lots of variations of this, and if done in a positive way with lots of praise, it seems to work. An alternative might be a reward chart - bet either way, a child at this stage needs an incentive to give up their most loved item!